Local man’s jaw freezes while complaining about weather
Newmarket, ON – A local man’s mouth has frozen shut after airing several grievances about the snow, wind and the near record low temperatures most of the country is experiencing today. Evan…
Japanese homeless glowing with gratitude for new jobs cleaning up Fukushima
Sendai, JAPAN – Japanese contractors in charge of cleaning up after the Fukushima nuclear disaster say that the strange glow being emitted by some of the homeless it hired is merely their i…
Earth starts new orbit around sun with clean slate, colossal hangover
A TINY SPECK IN THE MILKY WAY – Bouncing back from the previous night’s festivities, Planet Earth is excited to begin its new revolution just as soon as she recovers from a splitting headache. Th…
New contract with Toronto Maple Leafs causes Dion Phaneuf’s face to almost show emotion
TORONTO – When Dion Phaneuf put pen to paper and signed his new contract extension with the Toronto Maple Leafs his face almost assumed the position of a smile, sources reported today. Dave…
5 perfect holiday tips to make your Christmas ornaments come to life when you leave the room
By Mariah von Birdspell Host of HGTV’s “Transcendental DIY” Like a secret recipe for eggnog or a favourite carol, plenty of us have cherished family traditions for “Zeigvitus,” or the practice o…
PM Harper wishes Canadians a merry fourth-quarter purchasing cycle
OTTAWA – With the holiday season drawing near, Prime Minister Harper issued a statement today urging all Canadians to enjoy the time of year that brings us closer to our most beloved indust…
Parents convince their children that mall Santa’s “funny smell” is juniper berries
Brockville, ON – When Crestview Mall’s Santa Claus showed up to work belligerently drunk and stinking of gin last weekend, parents had to persuade their children that the smell emanating fr…
Shawn Thornton suspended for punching guy in face differently than he was supposed to
BOSTON – Boston Bruins enforcer Shawn Thornton was suspended for 15 games after a brutal attack in which he repeatedly struck Penguins defenceman Brooks Orpik in the face with his fist in a…
After 5 years, coroner report concludes that bullets likely killed unarmed teenager shot by Montreal police
MONTREAL – After half a decade of waiting, a Quebec coroner’s report has determined that an unarmed teenager shot by a Montreal police officer in August 2008 most likely died from bullets. …
Industry Minister James Moore, nation’s poor children only have his words to eat
VANCOUVER- After his remarks that his government didn’t have a responsibility to care for poor children drew strong rebukes from nearly all living humans, Industry Minister James Moore was left w…
