Lab-grown meat refuses to stop screaming
MAASTRICHT, NETHERLANDS – A series of synthetic beef hamburgers grown in vitro at the University of Maastricht have begun screaming, and have resisted all attempts by researchers to get the…
Canada, EU reach free trade deal after Dave eats nation’s supply of Brie cheese
BRUSSELS – Canada and the European Union have signed a historic free trade agreement, which resupply Canadian fridges after Dave ate all of country’s Brie cheese. “Canadians will be relieve…
After 40 years Steve Miller admits no one ever called him the Gangster of Love
Friday Harbour, Washington – At a press conference in front of his home legendary singer and blues guitarist Steve Miller admitted that, despite the claim in his famous song ‘The Joker’ no …
RCMP fracks aboriginal protest
REXTON – Responding to a road blockade set up by Elsipogtog First Nation members protesting SWN Resources use of Aboriginal land, the RCMP used various high-pressure techniques to fracture …
Doctor Who fans celebrate release of long lost unwatchable episodes
Following the discovery of several 1960’s era Doctor Who tapes previously thought destroyed, Who fans are eagerly awaiting the release of the dated and plodding episodes that will undoubtedly be …
Montreal police arson squad return from group outing to find offices destroyed by fire
MONTREAL – After a morale-boosting spa day, Montreal’s arson squad returned to work yesterday only to find their offices destroyed by arson. “It’s been a long couple months for us. We’ve be…
Green party places Laraque on injured reserve with fraud accusation
MONTREAL – In an unexpected roster move, the Green Party transferred Georges Laraque to the injured reserve list yesterday with a fraud accusation. In a post-garden-visit press conference, …
Doctors admit ‘turn-your-head-and-cough’ procedure one big practical joke
TORONTO – The Canadian Medical Association announced today that the procedure of twisting a man’s scrotum and asking him to turn his head and cough is a longstanding prank. Until now, docto…
In triumph of democracy, Harper writes laws for all future governments
OTTAWA – Seeking to strengthen democratic institutions, Prime Minister Stephen Harper used this week’s speech from the throne to announce the legislative agenda of all future governments. “…
Senators on Throne Speech: ‘So this is what the Senate looks like’
OTTAWA – Members of the Canadian Senate were impressed to see the Senate Chambers for the first time during the Speech from the Throne early today. “It’s all red!” said an amazed Janis John…
