Poll: What’s in our wallets?

After surveying 10,000 individuals, we’ve compiled a list of the most commonly found items in Canadians’ wallets: 45% Novelty “Female Body Inspector” badge 28% Forged library card for hot new lib…

World Pride commemorates time when gays couldn’t get sunburned and pay $5 for a bottle of water

TORONTO – On a beautifully cloudless day in downtown Toronto, millions of gays, LGBTQ supporters, and people of all walks gathered to remember a time when homosexuals couldn’t get gou…

Hobby Lobby female employees now required to wear chastity belts until marriage

WASHINGTON – In the wake of winning a Supreme Court ruling, US arts and crafts retailer Hobby Lobby has announced that all of their female employees will be required to wear Chastity belts …

Ronaldo gets to see photo of family after 50th goal for Portugal

BRAZIL – After scoring his 50th goal for Portugal’s national football team in last Thursday’s game against Ghana, officials from the Portuguese government have allowed captain C…

God makes surprise appearance at World Pride parade

TORONTO – As the World Pride parade drew to a close on Sunday, crowds received a special treat when the Creator of the Universe unexpectedly arrived on a specially designed float. “Wh…

Recent English grad unsure about the apostrophe in ‘bachelor’s degree’

TORONTO – After earning her degree at the University of Toronto, English major Melany Peony was uncertain about the use of punctuation between the words “bachelor” and “degree.” The confusi…

Breaking: 4 stabbed in downtown Hamilton, probably

HAMILTON – Authorities have confirmed that, while they haven’t checked in a while, it is “quite likely” that at least 4 people in Hamilton have been stabbed today. “I don’t want…

Sodom, Gomorrah named hosts of 2026 FIFA World Cup

ZURICH – Despite being capitals of grievous sin destroyed in an act of divine retribution, the Biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have been named by the FIFA Executive Committee as hosts…

Giorgio Chiellini cursed to transform into Luis Suarez every full moon

BRAZIL – Following an illegal bite during the Italy-Uruguay match, Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini is now fated to become Luis Suarez at every full moon, forever. “Our hearts go out to G…

Local man has more plans for zombie apocalypse than own retirement

VANCOUVER – Local tech blogger Scott McGrath has prepared a far more comprehensive plan for a hypothetical zombie pandemic than he ever has or ever will for his own future retirement. “It’s…