Empty shampoo bottle enters third month in shower
ABBOTSFORD, BC – Despite being void of any shampoo for the past 90 days, a 1.17 L bottle of TRESemmé shampoo still remains in a local man’s shower. The owner, Eric Mannix, has ignored pleas…
The true meaning of the season
BY KRAMPUS, THE GERMANIC YULETIDE DEMON Guten Tag! With the holidays upon us once more it is time for I, the Krampus, to reflect on what is truly important. Oh, I’m certain things seem very simpl…
Unpaid intern in charge of organizing $100,000 staff party
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Sources inside DHP Logistics Ltd. report that unpaid intern Steve Daniels, 26, is organizing the company’s annual, $100,000.00 holiday soiree “This will be a great opportun…
Jonathan Bernier praises Magic Johnson for ending apartheid
TORONTO – Following an interview in which he claimed that Nelson Mandela was one of the athletes he grew up watching, Toronto Maple Leafs goalie Jonathan Bernier went on to state his admira…
Drake prepares Forest Hill crew for retaliation against Diddy
TORONTO — Following an alleged dispute over the weekend at Art Basel in which Diddy punched Drake in the face, Drake has begun rallying his Forest Hill crew in anticipation of a massive ret…
Grand jury fails to indict white cop for shooting of unarmed black president
WASHINGTON – A grand jury has today failed to indict Officer Thornton Smith following the high-profile shooting of a 53-year old United States president that was captured on video in front …
Ottawa man fighting for ISIS calls for lone wolf attacks, unless anyone wants to hang out
OTTAWA – The terrorist group ISIS has released a video of Canadian John Maguire calling on his fellow Muslim countrymen to carry out lone-wolf attacks, unless any of them want to grab a bit…
Local slacker asks girlfriend to be common-law fiancé
REGINA – Local slacker Jeremy Sampson recently asked Polly Peterson, his girlfriend of four years, to enter into a common-law-engagement with him over a cup of 7-11’s fanciest Ramen noodles…
MacKay: ‘Remember our brave troops during the Montreal Massacre Anniversary’
OTTAWA – Justice Minister Peter MacKay has reminded Canadians to honour Canadian soldiers on the 25th anniversary of the Montreal Polytechnique Massacre. “I urge all Canadians to remember t…
