Happy couple gives birth to increased carbon footprint
HAMILTON – A delighted Chantal and Martin Derevoix welcomed a brand new resource consuming, tax on the environment into the world yesterday. Weighing 7lbs and named Typhany, the increase in…
‘No shark in Lake Ontario’, shark says
KINGSTON, ON – A YouTube video posted last Friday claiming to show a shark residing in Lake Ontario is a “total hoax,” reports the shark residing in Lake Ontario. “There’s absolutely nothing to w…
Payday lenders refuse to loan Ontario government money
Following the new budget tabled by the Liberal government, leading payday lenders confirmed today they would not extend loans to the Province of Ontario. “Even at the 49.99% interest we charge, w…
Underground firefighting legalized
BRAMPTON, ON – A recent Alcohol and Gaming Commission bill has declared the underground fire fighting circuit in Brampton to be legal. “It doesn’t appear as though the fires are being force…
Sexy teens pretty sure axe-wielding maniac dead for good this time
CAMP DIAMOND RIVER, ONTARIO – Confident that the axe wielding maniac who has terrorized them over the past 34 hours is definitely dead this time, following a struggle that saw him shot mult…
Local man successfully avoids saying anything controversial about Israel-Palestine situation
GUELPH, ON – Against all odds local man Jack Whitehall has managed to engage in a carefully nuanced discussion of the current strife between Israel and Palestine without saying anything tha…
Erection pills made from last rhino don’t even work
TANZANIA – After poaching, despoiling and making pills out of the last living Black Rhinoceros in existence, local banker Dave Shen remains unable to maintain an erection. “What a waste,” s…
Joe Oliver left alone in hot car for 3 hours
Police rescued Joe Oliver from a locked car this afternoon after staffers left the Canadian Finance Minister unattended for three hours. “I’d thought I would only be gone for 10 minutes max,” sai…
WORLD CUP FINAL: German efficiency trumps whatever Argentina is known for
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a narrowly scored last-minute goal, the German World Cup team’s efficient and relentless play has triumphed over Argentina’s style, which was probably hot or spicy or …
Stephen Harper discovers he’s related to Palestinians
OTTAWA – After conducting a DNA ethnic profile, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has learned that he has Palestinian roots. The Prime Minister had decided to take the test after spending hours…
