Fat guy, plus-sized woman walk through park holding hands

TORONTO – Observers at a local park yesterday watched as a really fat man walked holding hands with a curvaceous woman. “They were possibly a couple,” said one witness of the balding, overw…

God asks Jean Béliveau for two autographs, one for his son

HEAVEN’S GATES – After his recent passing, legendary Montreal Canadiens Jean Béliveau has already received a request for two autographs by God. “Holy flying Buddha!” exclaimed the deity for…

Darren Wilson resigns from Ferguson police to focus on being a full-time murderer

FERGUSON, MO – Following a grand jury’s decision not to indict him for killing unarmed teenager Michael Brown, Darren Wilson announced Sunday that he has resigned from the Ferguson police departm…

Food documentary changes local woman’s diet for 92 minutes

VICTORIA – Inspired by the shocking revelations about America’s obesity epidemic exposed on the recently released documentary Fed Up, local woman Jessica Hopkins totally transformed her eating ha…

Mayor takes ceremonial first leak on new bus stop

OSHAWA, ON – To commemorate the new bus stop being built on Rossland Road, Mayor John Henry unzipped his fly, and took the ceremonial first urination on the back wall of the stop. “I hope t…

Funeral procession teargassed after being mistaken for protest

TORONTO – Thirteen mourners are in hospital after police mistook the procession for a local doctor’s funeral for a demonstration. “Our job is to protect the city from violence and des…

Infographic: What John Tory found in Ford’s former office

John Tory officially takes the office of Mayor of Toronto today. Here’s what he found in outgoing Mayor Rob Ford’s office: 1. Hundreds of fan letters to Macho Man Randy Savage, all marked “…

ReBoot reboot only thing Canadians talking aboot

TORONTO – Rainmaker Entertainment, the company developing the reboot of popular 90s Canadian television TV show, ReBoot, has released a new logo and title for the show, and the news has som…

Snot-nosed idiot with small penis loses libel case

Media personality Ezra Levant, who has been described by thousands as “snot nosed”, “vapid”, and whose penis is well-known to be “literally the smallest”, has lost a libel suit brought against hi…

Sun Media publishes retraction of last 18 years worth of articles

OTTAWA – After mistakenly attributing several politically incorrect comments to Liberal MP Marlo Raynolds, Sun Media has reviewed its archives and found that nearly all of its content from …