Tragic alcoholic described as ‘Legend’

TORONTO – Forty-six years old and plunging deep through the lightless depths of his addiction, local man Darren Hall is routinely described by coworkers and acquaintances as ‘A Legend’, ‘Th…

Devil summons legion of advocates from comment threads

THE SKIES ABOVE EARTH – The devil has emerged from the depths of hell. Raising his goat’s head and speaking in the voice of a dragon earlier this week, he assembled his army of advocates, calling…

NASA discovers 9th planet in continued attempt to win back Jessica

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After recent advances in radiotelemetry failed to bring that smile back to her face when she saw them, NASA scientists have discovered a new planet, in hopes that the ‘gr…

Conservatives say legalized weed really relieves the stress of being Conservative

OTTAWA – In a surprising policy shift, interim Conservative leader Rona Ambrose now says her party supports the legalization of marijuana, citing the drug’s ability to take the edge off of the st…

HASBRO: Rey excluded from ‘Star Wars Monopoly’ to avoid spoiling scene where she buys railroad

PAWTUCKET – Bowing to public pressure, toy giant Hasbro will introduce a game piece of the character Rey into their latest version of Star Wars Monopoly, claiming the female protagonist had origi…

Child successfully sues friend for one million doll hairs

Charlottetown, PEI – After a lengthy court battle, eight-year-old Sandy Hamilton has been ordered to deliver to his once best friend, Jamie Vandermeer, exactly one million doll hairs, based…

God apologizes for snakes

HEAVEN – In an unprecedented public statement earlier this week, God, the Supreme Lord and Master of the Universe, Blessed be He, issued a heartfelt apology for the creation and proliferation of …

Péladeau proves separation is possible in Quebec

QUEBEC CITY — Just months after claiming an enduring partnership with Julie Snyder, Pierre Karl Peladeau has proven that separation can happen in Quebec. “Despite our clearly defined mutual…

Alberta hosts provincial wide garage sale on gently used oil production equipment

EDMONTON — Bargain hunters were out in full force at a surprise garage sale for most of Alberta’s unused oil and gas production equipment last weekend. Politicians and industry executives n…

Buddy cops acquitted in shooting of teen

TORONTO – Several months after shooting a teenage person of colour over three hundred times, a buttoned-down desk jockey and a maverick, ladies-man beat cop have been acquitted, and, more i…