Slow Canadian takeover of U.S. going according to plan

OTTAWA – In a dark, shadowy bunker deep beneath Parliament Hill, an assembled group of Canada’s top politicians, businesspeople, and spymasters known as the True North Society have expressed cryp…

Yukon’s shortlist for a territorial motto

Yukon is one of the last jurisdictions in Canada not to have a motto, but a local Legion is hosting a competition to change that. Here’s the shortlist: 1. Not Alaska 2. Yukon: We’ll keep your car…

Ghomeshi’s confidence evaporates as he sees trial judge is Billy Bob Thornton

TORONTO – Tensions ran high during the first day of the Jian Ghomeshi trial, after a last minute change of judge saw the Honourable Justice Billy Bob Thornton presiding. “Would you look who…

Liberals add clause to Bill C-51 asking terrorists not to attack us

OTTAWA – After promising to “undo” many of the controversial elements in the Conservative anti-terror legislation, the Liberal government has announced that it will actually add a new claus…

My grandfather didn’t fight suffragettes just to give women a gender-neutral O Canada

BY: PETER MARSH As a proud man Canadian, I sing ‘O Canada’ with an enormous sense of pride, especially when I emphasize ‘in all thy sons command’. When I sing those sweet, exclusive lyrics, I thi…

Nation emerges from January depression just in time to enter February blahs

NATIONWIDE – After spending the last month in seasonally-affected misery, the nation has emerged, just in time to also spend the next month in a complete funk. “Thank god this bout of depre…

Scientists reveal they accidentally forgot to adjust Doomsday Clock for daylight savings time

PALO ALTO – In a stunning display of scientific ineptitude, the Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists held a press conference to announce that they mistakenly forgot to accommodate daylight savings t…

NBA books Sting to perform at All-Star Game after LeBron mentions liking Roxanne

TORONTO – The NBA has announced that former Police lead singer and prominent lute enthusiast Sting will headline the halftime show at the upcoming All Star Game in Toronto after one officia…

Local woman pulled out of emotional tailspin by mug with “Hope” written on it

Kingston, ON — A local woman was on the verge of breakdown when a heroic mug pulled her back from the edge. What set the mug apart from the average receptacle used to transport hot liquids …

Student union closes University of Ottawa citing the privilege of attending university

OTTAWA — The Student Federation of the University of Ottawa has, through sheer force of will, closed the University of Ottawa citing a hodgepodge of Marxist teachings and various notions of…