Canine court rules leg ‘asking for it’
OTTAWA – The nation’s top dog court decided today that Marlowe, a 4-year-old Pug mix, was not guilty of sexual assault because the complainant’s leg was asking to be humped. Judge Duke, a 9…
Couple spends romantic evening fighting over Netflix
PICTON, ON—With nothing standing between them and a relaxed, quiet evening at home, Shelly and Jordan Douglas chose instead to spend three fractious hours passionately arguing about what to watch…
Tragically Hip cancels tour after band members unable to acquire tickets
KINGSTON, ON – The Tragically Hip has announced that it will be cancelling its final national tour as the members of the band were unable to acquire tickets to any of the 15 events they wer…
Ticketmaster: “Tragically Hip fans being gouged by scalpers is what Gord would have wanted”
TORONTO – Responding to news that tickets to the Tragically Hip’s farewell tour had sold out within seconds, largely to scalpers, Ticketmaster President Jared Smith assured disappointed fan…
SUV driver participates in Bike To Work Week with use of new bike rack
WHITEHORSE – A local government employee has managed to take his bike to work every day of the week thanks to the installation of a new bike rack on his SUV. Thom Gerretsen, 36, has been sh…
Health Canada considers plain packaging for all Tabasco products
OTTAWA – In an effort to reduce the glamour of hot sauce, Canada’s government announced Tuesday that it will hold three months of public consultations before forcing the Tabasco industry to use g…
Fans convinced Edward Scissorhands could never hurt his wife
LOS ANGELES – Fans of Edward Scissorhands were shocked to learn that the half-human, half-unknown possibly pseudo-robotic being was alleged to have beaten his wife. “I cannot believe there …
Tories continue to rebrand by removing wicker man ritual from party constitution
OTTAWA – After recently ending their opposition to gay marriage, the Conservative Party of Canada is continuing to rebrand, this time by resolving to no longer burn human captives inside of…
Man at gym takes off shirt to show bulging biceps on third arm
TORONTO – In a show of machismo earlier this morning, local man Kyle Dresden removed his shirt while working out so that he could unfold the third arm from behind his back and show off its …
Montreal unveils $3.45 million marble speed bumps for 375th anniversary
MONTREAL – Montreal’s mayor Denis Coderre announced the municipal government will be spending $3.45 million on installing pure marble speed bumps to celebrate the city’s 375th anniversary. …
