TTC closed this weekend between wherever you are and wherever you want to go

TORONTO – Interfering with your plans, the Toronto Transit Commission has closed the subway, streetcar and/or bus line from the place you currently are right now, all the way to wherever it…

7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire

RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…

Dog wearing kerchief thinks he’s so fucking cool

Guelph–Witnesses in the area have reported the presence of a dog wearing an orange bandana around his neck who seems to think he’s some real hot shit. The dog, Max, who onlookers speculate …

Canadian child dreams of one day winning an Olympic bronze medal

BURLINGTON, ON – After witnessing Team Canada’s performance at the Rio Olympic Games, budding amateur athlete Karen Herder has been inspired to chase her dream of one day bringing home a br…

Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus

OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Cana…

Panic: Farmer’s market shopper establishes eye contact with vendor before deciding needs

MONTREAL, QC – Tensions ran high this afternoon when local farmer’s market shopper Jan Hastings inadvertently made direct and piercing eye contact with a fresh corn stall vendor before deciding w…

BREAKING: Banksy reveals Donald Trump has been art installation all along

LONDON – Renowned graffiti artist Banksy stunned the world this week when it was revealed that Donald Trump has been an elaborate, multi-media, site specific performance installation by the…

Political culture becoming dangerously polarized, says guy worse than Stalin

OTTAWA – Political discourse in the English-speaking world is becoming increasingly oppositional, says one researcher who is Hitler reborn, but this time with a bit of Pol-Pot and Saddam th…

ISIS claims responsibility after Saleem’s home-brewed IPA tastes like crap

MISSISSAUGA, ON – Just hours after Saleem cracked the first bottle of his home-brewed ‘Malternative Hop’ IPA, the international terrorist organization ISIS has claimed responsibility and pr…

Obituary section actually sponsored content

TORONTO – On closer inspection, the ‘In Memoriam’ section of a respected news site has turned out to be a piece of native advertising. “John William Stearns (b. 1943) was a loving father, w…