Homegrown Canadian racists determined to compete with flashier American racists

OTTAWA – Following the events of the US election, Canada’s homegrown and indie racists are determined to not have their hateful efforts overshadowed by the behemoth to the south. “People ar…

Nation’s evil twins shave goatees

OTTAWA – Realizing they could finally become unstoppable, evil twins from coast-to-coast have shaved their once tell-tale goatees, making them completely indistinguishable from their loveab…

You just said something unintentionally racist. Can you get out of it?

You’re not a racist (we assume). But you just said something that you realize came across super racist. Are you able to use your wits and guile to erase the social damage this will cause yo…

Report: Looks like that monk wasn’t the cool, fighting kind

HALIFAX – Witnesses to the brutal street beatdown of a monk say that, if they weren’t sure before they certainly were now, he almost definitely doesn’t know any sort of martial art. “Oh cra…

Facebook introduces ‘Life Achievement Filter’ to block friends’ happiness

PALO ALTO – Facebook has announced a new setting that will keep user’s timelines free of friends’ posts regarding engagements, promotions, and trips to the gym. “We know what our users want…

Trump strategist Bannon claims anti-semitism charges against him are just a global Zionist conspiracy

WASHINGTON, D.C. – After being appointed President-elect Trump’s chief advisor, equal in power to the chief of staff, Breitbart News chairman Steve Bannon is claiming that the anti-semitism…

5 war atrocities only 90s kids remember

  In this Beavfeed segment Emma and Miguel take 90s kids back to their glory days, when neon colours dominated the playgrounds, and ethnic cleansing was nearly as popular as the Spice Girls.…

Ottawa installs warning signs for drivers in middle of bike paths

OTTAWA – In an effort to make motorists more aware of new segregated bike lanes, the City of Ottawa has installed large warning signs in the middle of bike lanes at each intersection and at…

Canadian Air Force facing setbacks after several more CF-18s fucked by giant metal birds

OTTAWA – The aging Canadian Air Force suffered yet another setback today, after giant metal birds had sex with several more of its planes. “Earlier this morning, giant metal birds ploughed …

With election over, Gary Johnson planning much needed family-vacation to Aleppo

TAOS, NM — In the wake of a long and difficult US presidential election, the failed Libertarian Party nominee, Gary Johnson, has announced that he finally has “a pretty good idea of what an…