Guide To: Toronto

  What’s the deal with Toronto? The Beaverton Guide To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content.…

“Kellie Leitch can’t win here,” says man who said Trump couldn’t win there

VANCOUVER – During a dinner party held by a friend, local man David Casper openly scoffed at the notion that Kellie Leitch could ever win the Conservative party leadership, let alone a fede…

America hopes famous actors are half as good at fighting real Nazis as they are fake ones

D.C. – As America’s emboldened Neo-Nazis emerge from the shadows, many of its citizens are turning to familiar faces to save them, Hollywood actors. “When it comes down to it, I’m not much …

7 reasons why your cat won’t look you in the eye anymore

As cats, we don’t owe you humans anything. Let’s make that abundantly clear. However, we understand that us as your cat overlords may be a difficult concept for some of you to process. This is pe…

Introducing the Boys Club Wendy Dolls

  Move over, Game Developer Barbie, there is a new line of dolls that show women can excel in male dominated fields! If you missed the episode last night you can watch the full show online h…

Standing Rock nervously counting days until white protester puts on headdress

STANDING ROCK, ND – As protests against the Dakota Access Pipeline head into winter and state aggression persists, Standing Rock Sioux water protectors brace for yet another problem – the s…

Electoral College should vote Clinton, says man who would die first in ensuing civil war

CLEVELAND – The Electoral College should vote for Hillary Clinton on December 19th, says local man Eric Stoneleigh, who will be senselessly killed in the early hours of December 20th, if th…

Kinder Morgan approval puts Trudeau ahead in Conservative leadership race

OTTAWA – After signing off on the Trans Mountain and Line 3 oil pipelines, Justin Trudeau has surged to a clear first place in the race to the lead the Conservative Party of Canada. “With Chong a…

Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Lisa Raitt

Name: Lisa Raitt Background Born and raised in Cape Breton, Raitt has always cited her strong Nova Scotian roots ever since she left at the first opportunity and will never come back. As a lawyer…

Bell, Rogers buy naming rights to nation’s newborns

  Having already bought every stadium in the country, the nations telecommunications giants have now scooped up the naming rights for the hundreds of thousands of newborns in Canada. Catch a…