Breaking: Sleeping man unaware of oncoming traffic

VANCOUVER – On his drive from West Van to Burnaby, experienced commuter Richard Blair has fallen into a deep sleep and is completely oblivious of several rapidly approaching vehicles. “Holy…

Local woman stuck in endless “lather, rinse, repeat” recursive hair-washing loop

SHERBROOKE, QC – Closely following the instructions on a bottle of Garnier Fructis Volume Extend Fortifying shampoo that reads “lather, rinse, repeat,” a local woman is stuck in a never-end…

Shocking! Wikileaks releases documents outing Putin as a powerful, yet generous lover

  Wikileaks finally goes after Putin. For more important news, watch last night’s full episode here!…

Following criticisms, Liberals vow to legalize weed even more

OTTAWA – After sustained criticism over several dozen issues, the Liberal government has promised to solve everything by legalizing weed even more. “We saw that you were angry, so we listen…

Trump appoints Kanye West to Secretary of Caring About Black People

NEW YORK – After a meeting this week, followed by a flurry of rumours and speculation, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has named Kanye West as Secretary of Caring About Black People. B…

Quiz: Which criminally negligent human on ‘Paw Patrol’ are you?

If you’re a three-year-old, then you know Paw Patrol is a morning cartoon about six delightful puppies heroically protecting the good citizens of Adventure Bay. If you’re the parent of a three-ye…

Justin Trudeau cracks down on discrimination

  Trudeau proposes new anti-transphobia bill to stop discrimination against the Trans Pacific Partnership.…

New form of male birth control just a pastrami sandwich with extra onions

CALGARY – Researchers at the University of Calgary have developed the first effective form of oral male birth control: a pastrami sandwich with extra onions. “We’re not exactly sure how it …

Aleppo residents just feel super bad your favourite celebrities died in 2016

ALEPPO, SYRIA – Residents of the war-torn city of Aleppo in Syria, who have this past year become the victims of further atrocities in the form of random civilian executions, are strongly e…

Chief of Defence Staff attacks military’s sexual misconduct culture with flanking maneuver, close air support

OTTAWA – Chief of Defence Staff General Jonathan Vance has announced a full-scale military operation involving all 68,000 Regular and 27,000 Reserves, which aims to destroy all elements of …