Woman home for holidays gears up to pretend to know how to hold a baby in front of other women
STRATFORD, ON — With the holiday season just around the corner, happily childless woman Laura Keller has been preparing for the inevitable moment when a baby will be thrust into her arms under th…
Conservative Party Leadership Profile: Chris Alexander
Name: Chris Alexander Background In high school, Alexander participated in Model United Nations and successfully negotiated a peace accord between the Jordan delegate who was accused of stealing …
Guide To: Nova Scotia
Nova Scotia, is it just another New Brunswick? The Beaverton Guide To is here to help with your weekly dose of educational content, Canadian Geography edition!…
Ontario economy booming after entire month without Liberal fuckup
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s economy has picked up in the last month, owing in part to the Wynne government’s recent decision to stop totally cocking things up. “Ontario is creating more jobs t…
Breaking: Sleeping man unaware of oncoming traffic
VANCOUVER – On his drive from West Van to Burnaby, experienced commuter Richard Blair has fallen into a deep sleep and is completely oblivious of several rapidly approaching vehicles. “Holy…
Local woman stuck in endless “lather, rinse, repeat” recursive hair-washing loop
SHERBROOKE, QC – Closely following the instructions on a bottle of Garnier Fructis Volume Extend Fortifying shampoo that reads “lather, rinse, repeat,” a local woman is stuck in a never-end…
Shocking! Wikileaks releases documents outing Putin as a powerful, yet generous lover
Wikileaks finally goes after Putin. For more important news, watch last night’s full episode here!…
Following criticisms, Liberals vow to legalize weed even more
OTTAWA – After sustained criticism over several dozen issues, the Liberal government has promised to solve everything by legalizing weed even more. “We saw that you were angry, so we listen…
Trump appoints Kanye West to Secretary of Caring About Black People
NEW YORK – After a meeting this week, followed by a flurry of rumours and speculation, U.S. President-elect Donald J. Trump has named Kanye West as Secretary of Caring About Black People. B…
Quiz: Which criminally negligent human on ‘Paw Patrol’ are you?
If you’re a three-year-old, then you know Paw Patrol is a morning cartoon about six delightful puppies heroically protecting the good citizens of Adventure Bay. If you’re the parent of a three-ye…
