5 ways to thank your food delivery guy that say “please don’t murder me I don’t want to die alone on Valentine’s Day”
Look, we’ve all been there. Singles Awareness Day – er, Valentine’s Day – once again rolls around, and all your lonely ass can do to celebrate is order an ungodly amount of food and watch Netflix…
REPORT: Oh Fuck! Rihanna still up there!
GLENDALE, AZ – It’s been 12 hours since the end of yesterday’s Superbowl and fans are still reeling over a nail-biting finish, with parties continuing into the early…… oh shit! Did you guys…
New Brunswick purchases Super Bowl ad by selling Moncton
FREDERICTON – During tonight’s Super Bowl broadcast viewers will see a new ad encouraging tourists to visit scenic New Brunswick, which the province financed by selling off the city of Monc…
Super Bowl: M&Ms rebrand as S&Ms
GLENDALE, AZ – After weeks of controversy over their mascots’ allegedly waning sexiness, flagship Mars chocolate brand M&Ms revealed during Super Bowl LVII that they are rebranding as S&…
John Tory’s career inevitably cut short by his raw, unstoppable sexual magnetism
TORONTO – In the wake of Toronto Mayor John Tory’s shocking announcement that he will be stepping down after admitting he had an affair with a staffer earlier this year, residents across th…
John Tory admits to fucking Toronto
TORONTO – In breaking news, Mayor John Tory has announced his resignation after admitting to fucking Toronto. “It was a serious error of judgment on my part,” the longtime polit…
“Can’t complain,” says cashier who’ll get fired if she complains
TORONTO — Sam Baquiran, cashier at a Shoppers Drug Mart on Pape and Danforth, recently had a customer ask how she was doing. “Can’t complain,” she responded, given that she’ll lose her job if she…
Indie horror film ‘Skinamarink’ explores twisted side of Sharon, Lois, and Bram
EDMONTON – The recently-released indie horror film Skinamarink promises to explore the dark, nightmarish visions behind classic Canadian children’s entertainers Sharon, Lois, and Bram…
Nova Scotia Power clarifies residents can always take their business to another monopoly
HALIFAX – Following frustration in response to Nova Scotia Power’s announcement of a 14% rate hike, the CEO of the province’s energy monopoly insists unhappy customers are free to deal with…
Guinness frantically publishing new world record book every time LeBron scores another basket
LOS ANGELES – Staff at Guinness World Records are scrambling to publish an up-to-date version of their record book every time LeBron James breaks his own all-time scoring record. “It was so excit…
