WASHINGTON D.C. – Following last night’s elimination of the New York Yankees, the United States Department of War has advised the White House that the Toronto Blue Jays are “per…
Sports
Connor McDavid signs two-year, $25M deferral of Leafs fans’ speculation
EDMONTON – Connor McDavid and the Maple Leafs fanbase have agreed to a two-year, $25 million deferral of all overoptimistic conjecture about the Oilers captain one day signing with Toronto. The c…
Breaking: so it is possible for a homegrown star to succeed in playoffs despite Toronto fans, media
TORONTO – Vladimir Guerrero Jr. has led the Blue Jays to a 2-0 series lead over the New York Yankees, proving that it actually is possible for a Toronto athlete to perform well in the playo…
“I know it’s only the Preseason but…” says hockey fan about to make the dumbest prediction of all time
TORONTO – As the pre-season winds down hockey fans are using the preamble “I know it’s only the preseason but” to unleash their wildest and dumbest takes. “I know it…
US confirms contestants in all 2028 Olympic track events will be chased by ICE agents
WASHINGTON, DC – In a press conference today, US Press Secretary Karoline Leavitt confirmed that all non-US track and field athletes will be chased by agents of United States Immigration an…
Visibly trembling Oilers fan insists he’s not worried about McDavid contract situation
EDMONTON – With training camp about a week away and no sign of Connor McDavid signing an extension anytime soon, Oilers fan and visibly shaking from head to toe human being Malcolm Serrano …
Nation’s mothers hail 18-year-old tennis champion Victoria Mboko as new unattainable standard for you to live up to
OTTAWA – Following Canadian tennis phenom Victoria Mboko’s victory at the National Bank Open final, the Canadian Association Of Pressuring Mothers has proclaimed her as their new base…
Florida, Calgary win Stanley Cup Final
SUNRISE, FL – The Florida Panthers have defeated the Edmonton Oilers in the Stanley Cup Final, securing both Florida and Calgary their second consecutive Cup victory over Edmonton. “I’m happy my …
“Eh, fuck it”: Montreal F1 driver takes an Uber
MONTREAL, QUEBEC – The annual Montreal Grand Prix has arrived, but one championship-winning Formula One driver decided to forego the traditional lavish displays of the competition and enter…
Federal government opens distress hotline for Canadians forced to cheer for Oilers
OTTAWA – A new federal mental health initiative has seen the opening of a 24/7 distress hotline that will provide emergency support for Canadians who have been forced to cheer for the Oiler…
