WINDSOR, ON – In the throes of late-stage quarantining Robert Greene, 55, advanced his long-lasting search for love and romance by downloading the widely spreading COVID-19 contact tracing …
Science and Technology
Fascinating! Scientists reconstruct what historical figures really looked like and they all look like Steve Buscemi
Ever read about a historical figure and think, gee, what did they actually look like? Well, scientists have gotten to work on creating accurate reconstructions of what some historical figures loo…
Report: Best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while asking “is the dishwasher on?”
WINNIPEG – An official report from the Government of Canada states the best way to know if the dishwasher is running is to open it while simultaneously asking “is the dishwasher on?” “The r…
Scientist invents time travel to mock people in 2016 who thought things were bad then
WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, w…
Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids
CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucki…
Printer Finally Admits: I Had More Toner In Me
VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘low toner’ alert was a bold-faced-lie. Wit…
Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is
LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if a…
“We’re good,” ISS astronauts decline returning to Earth
HOUSTON – For the first time ever, astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth, saying: “Nah, we’re good. Maybe later.” The message was relayed shortl…
Nation more aerodynamic than ever after everyone shaves head during lockdown
OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation, and several months after their last haircut, thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads. This th…
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees st…
