WATERLOO, ON – Quantum physicist Agnes Chevrier announced in a press conference today that not only has she invented time travel, but she had already achieved her purpose in inventing it, w…
Science and Technology
Nation’s grandmas ready to bust through the glass and kiss some fucking grandkids
CANADA – The country’s Grandma’s, Bubbies, Oma’s, Nai Nai’s, Abuela’s and Nonna’s are collectively sick of these COVID-19 ‘through the glass visits’ preventing them from kissing their fucki…
Printer Finally Admits: I Had More Toner In Me
VICTORIA – This week in a remarkable display of altruism an HP Tango X Laserjet sent shockwaves through the stationary scene when it admitted its ‘low toner’ alert was a bold-faced-lie. Wit…
Hubble Telescope turns 30, wonders if entire universe is all there is
LOW EARTH ORBIT – A week after celebrating 30 years of documenting the cosmic majesty of the universe, the Hubble Space Telescope is struggling with feelings of ennui and contemplating if a…
“We’re good,” ISS astronauts decline returning to Earth
HOUSTON – For the first time ever, astronauts aboard the International Space Station have declined to return to Earth, saying: “Nah, we’re good. Maybe later.” The message was relayed shortl…
Nation more aerodynamic than ever after everyone shaves head during lockdown
OTTAWA – After several weeks in self-isolation, and several months after their last haircut, thousands of Canadians took matters into their own hands and opted to shave their heads. This th…
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has confirmed that they will be calling an all-employees st…
Finally, Compromise: Flat Earther suggests maybe planet could be hexagonal
In an effort to appease both the scientific community and the world’s flat earthers, Flat Earth Society member Devon Pinsent has put forth a bold suggestion: maybe it’s time for all of us to agre…
Algorithm scrambles to get woman perfect, last-minute Valentine’s Day gift
TORONTO – A series of preset coded instructions attune to the online habits of Sara Ketema rushed to present a perfect Valentine’s Day gift to its monitored host, though many experts argue …
Rogers unveils new “Worse Than Your Current Plan” plans
TORONTO — Telecom giant Rogers Wireless has announced a new cellphone plan which they promise customers will be a much worse deal than the Rogers plan they are currently on. Rogers’ new Wor…
