GREAT EXUMA, BERMUDA — Thousands of excited would-be Martians gathered at MarsFest to enthuse over Elon Musk’s most recent vow to colonize the categorically inhospitable Red Planet. Citing Space-…
Science and Technology
ChatGPT user delighted to combine sloth with theft
WATERLOO, ON – A local self-published “author”, Chaz Wolverton, 25, is extolling the brighter side of plagiarism engines like ChatGPT and Grok. “I’ve always been jealous of the glory…
Evan Solomon asks ChatGPT “I’m Canada’s Minister of Artificial Intelligence. What should I do?”
OTTAWA – Newly-appointed Minister of Artificial Intelligence Evan Solomon reportedly spent his first day asking ChatGPT “Hi there, my name is Evan Solomon and I’m Canada’s Minister of AI. What sh…
Tragedy over Florida: Elon Musk not on exploding rocket
ORLANDO, FL – In the wake of the recent mid-air explosion of a SpaceX rocket, thousands mourn as the company confirms that the CEO, Elon Musk, was not aboard the ship. Following what a SpaceX rep…
Physicists launch study of temporal paradox allowing people younger than you to have kids already
COPENHAGEN – An international coalition of scientists with expertise in quantum mechanics, wave theory and atomic structure have assembled at the Nils Bohr Institute to tackle the newly-discovere…
Boeing offers stranded astronauts $200 voucher off next trip to space
CAPE CANAVERAL, FL – The pair of NASA astronauts stranded by mechanical failures on Boeing’s new Starliner spacecraft have been offered $200 in coupons from the company to be used on their next t…
Newly discovered cave paintings indicate early humans were stick men
BHOPAL, INDIA — A cache of paintings found in the Bhimbetka caves in the Indian state of Madhya Pradesh is being touted as a paradigm-shifting discovery, positing that proto-humans were actually …
Stardust pissed it’s now you
EARTH – After spending 13 billions years drifting across interstellar space, a speck of stardust is pissed that it’s now you – a nobody in the overall grand scheme of the universe. Be…
MDMA pharmaceutical trial shut down for being too fucking fun
TORONTO – Ontario Health has halted a recent MDMA pharmaceutical trial out of concerns that the therapeutic impacts patients were experiencing was at this time considered too utterly amazeb…
Previously retired CanadARM bagging groceries to make ends meet
REGINA, SK – Due to rising food prices, inflation, and the general cost of living, the formerly-retired CanadaARM1 has rejoined the workforce by taking on a part-time job at Loblaws. “A lot…
