OTTAWA – Your friends Daryl Hoover and Cheyenne Klein, who have spent all quarantine posting pictures of each other on social media, have decided to get engaged as a vengeful move against y…
Relationship
Quarantined fuckboi texts “U up?” endlessly into the void
TORONTO – Since Coronavirus hit, local fuckboi Harold Borowitz, better known by self-proclaimed nickname “DJ Quicksand XII”, has reportedly sent so many unanswered “U up?” texts…
Hyper-realistic sex doll will now masturbate itself to orgasm afterwards
SAN DIEGO – A California based company known for its sex toys and other mature playthings has recently announced the launch of their newest sex doll which simulates hyper-realistic sexual e…
Report: hottest post-quarantine trend for couples will be separate vacations
VANCOUVER – Although the lockdown may not be fully resolved until 2021, many Canadians are already fantasizing about the trips they will take post-COVID, and the freedom that will bring fro…
Local couple announces the birth of a new puzzle, another on the way
SARNIA, ON – Local couple Carla and Joseph Hangar took to social media this week to welcome a new addition to their family – a completed puzzle of a pastoral landscape – and added tha…
Local woman discovers date’s numerous red flags over Zoom
CALGARY – A recent first date held over Zoom allowed Olivia Pepta, 28, to see the warning signs and troubling behaviours of her potential suitor without risking infection. With the whole na…
Dynamic modeling predicts end of quarantine to be absolute horned-up fuckfest
OTTAWA – In a Facebook Live press conference, Chief Public Health Officer Dr. Theresa Tam released numbers based on dynamic modeling that project the end of self-isolation will be a sopping…
Local woman joins dating apps in hopes of having pandemic love story
GRIMSBY, ONT – In the midst of the worst global pandemic in recent history, 27-year-old Laura Wallsh has joined multiple dating apps in hopes of swiping right on the greatest love story of …
Local woman sets world record by muting group chat in .076 seconds
Local woman Kathryn Tepittin has set a world record by muting a group chat on her phone only 0.076 seconds after the initial message was sent. “The moment I saw ‘Hey guys, sorry for the group mes…
Local woman celebrates Valentine’s Day by refusing to speak to any man dead or alive
Niagara, ON – Today 29-year-old Marcia Fitzgibbons discovered a novel approach to celebrating Valentine’s Day while single: completely icing out every last man on this godforsaken earth, an…
