AJAX – Ajax mayor Shaun Collier announced in a press conference today that Ajax has changed its town motto to ‘Not Fucking Pickering, That’s For Damn Sure’. The new slogan replaces Ajax’s o…
Local
Local toddler says fuck your Daylight Saving Time
Brantford, ON – This morning adorable toddler Liam O’Reilly, 3, declared that Daylight Saving Time was a fucking joke and he would arise at his normal hour, even if that was technical…
Local man suffers stress-induced heart attack while observing NaNoNutWriMovember
HALIFAX, NS – Local man Greg Sanders, 29, was admitted to hospital following an acute stress-induced cardiac episode, a result of his decision to spend all of November growing a moustache, …
Sound of three-ring binder snapping shut awakens primal fear in man
ABBOTSFORD, BC — Father-of-two Allen Marks was caught off-guard when he found himself suddenly gripped by white-knuckled horror while taking his children, Angie and Michelle, back-to-school shopp…
Ah, shit, wedding invite has lightsabers on it
EDMONTON – People invited to the Katie Carmichael-Chris Everett wedding were horrified to discover that the invitations featured lightsabers and X-Wings. “Jesus Christ, it says ‘Come celebrate a …
Hot! This newspaper found the handsomest photo of a sex criminal to use in every article about him
OTTAWA – A national Canadian newspaper came under fire for several articles about an ongoing sex abuse case, after every article featured an extremely attractive photo of the accused sex cr…
“Mysterious fog nothing to worry about,” says weatherman who died 20 years ago
DEEPWATER COVE, B.C. – Residents of Deepwater Cove are being reassured by Milo Saunders, a local meteorologist who was consistently voted the most trusted man in town until his untimely dea…
Man who inherited Muskoka cottage shares opinion on land sovereignty
Muskoka, ON – Seasonal resident, David Lyons who inherited a million dollar Muskoka cottage, has an opinion on Indigenous land sovereignty. “It doesn’t make sense,” began a 60 year old Lyon…
“Sorry I can’t come, there’s a blimp attack,” says woman who’s forgotten how to avoid social obligations
EDMONTON – After agreeing to attend a social event for the first time in over a year, Katie Flynn is trying to get out of the commitment but has completely forgotten how to make a credible excuse…
“Rename it Daddy’s Day,” demand nation’s perverts
OTTAWA – Activist perverts from across Canada’s provinces and territories congregated in front of Parliament Hill on Sunday in a collective demonstration calling for the renaming of Father’…