OTTAWA — Following recommendations by the Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction (CCSA) to put warning labels on alcohol, Health Canada has issued an advisory informing Canadians they can…
Health
Stabbed man who got hit by 3 cars then thrown off a bridge probably died from the vaccine
Windsor, ON – Local man Ryan Garner was pronounced dead this morning after being stabbed and hit by 3 cars in a row, the last of which knocked him off a 40 foot high bridge, making him just…
Man with exposed brain tissue still not convinced he needs to see doctor
TORONTO — Local mechanic Jason Pringle is refusing to seek medical attention after sustaining a severe head wound that has left a portion of his brain exposed. “It’s nothing, really. I’d just be …
Ford unsure if he should sell Ontario healthcare system to Loblaws, Tim Hortons, or Nestlé
QUEEN’S PARK – As Premier Doug Ford announces that he will expand surgeries available at for-profit clinics, insiders report he is still deciding which megacorporation to eventually sell On…
Good night’s sleep allows woman to be more present in her shitty life
HAMILTON, ON – The secret to being fully present in your miserable existence? Local life coach, June Funda, says it’s all about prioritizing a good night’s sleep. “It’s hard to focus on how ever…
Premiers demand more healthcare funding to spend on fuck you, that’s what
WINNIPEG – A recent meeting of Canada’s Premiers has seen the provincial leaders urgently request that Prime Minister Trudeau provide increased healthcare funding, to be spent on none of yo…
It happened to me: Be Real and my grandma’s life alert went off at the same time
By Cheri O’Toole Earlier this year, we got my aging grandmother a medical alert device to give us peace of mind and to give her shut of mouth, but another time sensitive program was rising in pop…
Health Canada draws attention to overlooked bivalent COVID vaccine by taking off its glasses and giving it bangs
OTTAWA – Officials at Health Canada have come up with a new strategy to drum up attention for the new bivalent COVID vaccine – by taking off its glasses and some chic bangs. “I know t…
French language activists say government can give Tylenol with American packaging to children if they can read their temperature in French
QUEBEC CITY – With Canada experiencing an extreme shortage of children’s Tylenol owing to a lack of mandatory bilingual packaging, French language activists announced they would be willing …
Woman sets vibrator to “Elon Musk Getting Destroyed On Twitter” setting
Bedroom, Ontario – While blowing off some steam after a long day at work, Michelle Trudy opened the small pouch next to her bed and turned her vibrator to her favourite setting, “Elon Musk …
