OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone sh…
Health
Ally hospitalized for fatigue
VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue. “I don’t know what happened,” said Jenkins from her hospital …
Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chances of survival
TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curric…
Old man excited to walk around changeroom naked again
OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked. “Walking around in my b…
Local man jonesing for raw thrill of touching fruit he’s not going to buy
OTTAWA – After almost half a year of self-isolating, social distancing, and mask-wearing, Ottawa local Grant Thompson confessed that the thing he misses most from his life before Covid was the al…
“I’m a regular,” brags intimacy-starved woman at COVID nasal swab site
TORONTO – Marsha King, a 30-year-old single woman who has been without real human contact for over five months due to the pandemic, was recently overheard proudly declaring that she had obtained …
Man sure for the sixth time this summer that his hangover is COVID
London, ON – Awaking with a throbbing headache, parched lips, nausea, a general desire for a swift demise and all the other tell-tale signs of a hangover, Jack Bennington was seized by a familiar…
COVID first thing Nova Scotia happy to be only province without
HALIFAX – After decades of being the only province in Canada without several attractions, amenities, and chain stores, the COVID-19 virus has emerged as the first thing Nova Scotians are ac…
Guy who won’t wear mask in store promises to pull out before he coughs
TORONTO – After a small business owner reminded him of the city bylaw mandating people to wear masks in indoor public spaces, local shopper Jason Anguiano insisted that since he doesn’t lik…
Lame coronavirus party infects 0 people
TUSCALOOSA, AL- The latest in an underwhelming series of coronavirus parties at a University of Alabama frat house has reportedly failed to create a single new case of COVID-19. “This party blows…
