MONTREAL – Local man Desmond Burns spent last night camped out in front of his local hospital in order to ensure he got the first COVID test. “My parents always told me stories about …
Health
Latest US outbreak traced to Coronavirus eating contest
MIAMI – Amid spiking COVID-19 figures in the United States, experts have determined that the source of a recent outbreak was a Coronavirus eating contest from two weeks ago. “We suspect that Chuc…
Canadian in line for COVID test recovers from virus by time he gets to the front
TORONTO – After waking up with mild flu-like symptoms a month ago, Peter Miller went to stand in line outside of Toronto Western Hospital to get tested for COVID. As of this morning, he happily a…
Epidemiologists expect second wave of fuckwittery to be worse than the first
VANCOUVER – Epidemiologists at BCCDC are warning the public that the second wave of fuckwittery will be worse than the first. “We’re expecting many more cases of reckless dumbassery through…
Colony of mask pimples enter industrial revolution
KINGSTON- Anthropologists were left stunned last week as the colony of mask pimples they had been monitoring advanced past the agrarian stage and entered their own industrial revolution. “It’s re…
Canada’s top BDSM doctor says wear a mask, leash, tight leather to prevent spread of COVID-19
OTTAWA – Canada’s Chief BDSM Doctor is recommending Canadians wear masks, leashes, tight leather, and other items to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Dr. Octovia Slayer says that everyone sh…
Ally hospitalized for fatigue
VANCOUVER – Local ally Maggie Jenkins has been rushed to area hospital after suffering from a chronic case of allyship fatigue. “I don’t know what happened,” said Jenkins from her hospital …
Ontario Ministry of Education promises new math curriculum will help students calculate their chances of survival
TORONTO — As schools prepare to reopen for the first time since the COVID-19 pandemic began, the Ontario Ministry of Education has assured students and teachers that the newly revised math curric…
Old man excited to walk around changeroom naked again
OSHAWA, ON – With gyms around the province reopening, local senior citizen Waylan Marshall is relieved to no longer have to resort to walking around the house naked. “Walking around in my b…
Local man jonesing for raw thrill of touching fruit he’s not going to buy
OTTAWA – After almost half a year of self-isolating, social distancing, and mask-wearing, Ottawa local Grant Thompson confessed that the thing he misses most from his life before Covid was the al…
