TORONTO – With a video of packed crowds at Toronto’s Yorkdale Mall going viral, just 3 days after Doug Ford announced a province-wide shutdown, today the Premier clarified that the high-end…
Health
Out of work actor lands promising role in medical study
VANCOUVER – Things are finally looking up for local Vancouver actor Timothy Brooks. After thirteen months without booking a gig in theatre, film, or television, the 28-year-old has landed …
REPORT: that makeup in your purse getting real gross about now
NATIONWIDE – As Canadians slowly prepare to re-enter society after more than a year in lockdown, scientists around the country are warning makeup users not to use the products that have been sitt…
Educated man says he’d rather die than risk dying from AstraZeneca vaccine
CAMBRIDGE, MA – University of Phoenix scholar and die-hard Facebook scroller Dr. Devan Leeland has stated he would rather die than risk dying from the AstraZeneca vaccine. “It’s really just…
Local woman makes suspiciously late “Happy Quarantine-aversary!” post
TORONTO – Local influencer Meghan Freling made a pandemic anniversary post earlier this week on her popular instagram account, prompting friends and followers to ask whether it’s a bit late…
“See, we do let gay men donate blood,” says Canadian Blood Services after quarantine forces thousands to be celibate for a year
OTTAWA – Health Canada and Canadian Blood Services bragged this morning that their controversial ban on accepting blood donations from men who have sex with men (MSM) “is basically no…
Dentist fooled by patient who brushed teeth really well just before annual visit
WATERLOO, ONT – Local dentist, Dr. Rita Johnson, was reportedly fooled into thinking her patient had excellent oral hygiene even though they only brushed their teeth really well moments bef…
Local man relieved COVID symptoms actually just depression
CALGARY, AB – After displaying numerous symptoms of COVID-19, local accounts manager Bryan Gramble has reported feeling a wave of relief upon discovering all of the symptoms were actually r…
Mom calling to ask if you’ll visit soon actually just COVID wearing wig and glasses
BARRIE, ON – Your mom, last seen at a grocery store opening a produce bag with her teeth, called you at 7:45pm to ask when you were going to hop on a Megabus up to Barrie, Ontario to visit.…
79-year old with fake ID trying to keep it cool in vaccination line
Barrie, ON – Local septuagenarian Elise Reede is reportedly trying to avoid drawing attention to her forged ID that says she’s 80 years old while she waits to receive a COVID vaccination. “…
