TORONTO – Rally participants in an anti-lockdown protest in Toronto on Saturday reported they had become ill with some kind of strange, flu-like virus. “I thought at first I couldn’t breath…
Health
IT’S SIMPLE! How to book your vaccine using 8 websites, 5 booking IDs, a decoder ring, and the divine providence of Christ
IT’S SIMPLE! How to book your vaccine using 8 websites, 5 booking IDs, a decoder ring, and the divine providence of Christ Vaccine appointments are opening up for Ontarians 18+! We know you might…
Ontario beams Bat Signal into night sky to see if Batman can take a crack at vaccine rollout
TORONTO – In the wake of a disastrous vaccine rollout and an out-of-control third wave of coronavirus, desperate Ontarians have sought out leadership by beaming the Bat Signal into the nigh…
Doctor who kept telling depressed patients to see a clown finally loses license
SASKATOON – After years of criticism regarding his controversial approach to mental health, family physician Russell Wendt has lost his medical license for continually suggesting that depressed p…
Hip Gen X-er brags about his rare discontinued vaccine
Hamilton, ON – Following the announcement that Ontario will no longer be giving out first doses of the AstraZeneca vaccine, local 46 year old machinist Dwayne McEwen could be seen leaning u…
Online persona successfully hides crippling depression
TORONTO – We are happy to report that your online persona has successfully hidden your crippling depression from your followers across social media. By portraying a heavily curated version …
US to trick vaccine hesitant individuals into taking vaccine by wrapping it in peanut butter
ATLANTA – In an effort to counter the high numbers of vaccine skeptics in the nation, the CDC has recently announced that they will be hiding doses in peanut butter. “We’ve kind of abandoned any …
Punk optometrist asks patient to read bottom line of festival poster
MONTREAL — Local punk and professional optometrist Riley “Pinkeye” Abraham tested a patient’s eyesight this morning by asking her to read the bottom line of a PUNTER FEST poster, sources report. …
Woman who doesn’t get “pronouns” requests you describe her as “vaccine-hesitant”
GEORGIAN BAY, ON – Stacey Amber, a woman who has told you on many occasions without provocation she “doesn’t get gender pronouns” has requested you use “vaccine-hesitant” when addressing he…
Doug Ford relieved to have paid sick days after workplace COVID exposure
ETOBICOKE, ON – After coming into contact with a coworker who tested positive for COVID-19, Premier Doug Ford is reportedly “hugely relieved” to have paid sick days to isolate at home, as p…
