UNIVERSITY student seeking mannequin to come alive and be my girlfriend. Serious calls only. Inflatable love dolls OK. Call Herm, 416-555-3764…
U.S. Air Force stealth bomber too stealthy
(UNDISCLOSED LOCATION) – Radar cannot detect it, and neither can the human eye. The U.S. Air Force’s top-secret stealth bomber, the C-THRU 117, a state-of-the-art aircraft so incredibly ste…
Cinnabon employee called ‘chief’
BURLINGTON, ON – A cashier at a local Cinnabon was addressed as ‘chief’ yesterday. Bill Pitkin, owner of an Oshawa-based landscaping company, had just finished a big meal at Eas…
Pizza restaurant lost thousands trying to honour 40 minutes or it’s free guarantee over G20 weekend
TORONTO – A downtown Pizza Pizza franchise on Queen St. E. suffered thousands of dollars in lost sales over the weekend trying to honour its time guarantee of delivering a pizza in less tha…
Visiting Quebecer says Toronto’s G20 street party not as fun as St. Jean Baptiste celebrations
TORONTO – Toronto’s weekend G20 street party celebration failed to impress Quebecer Allain Duregard, 26, who visited Toronto Friday through Sunday. “It was alright, I suppose,” Duregard sai…
Machismo exhibited by carrying lots of groceries in one trip
TORONTO – Local resident Jeff Saunders impressed onlookers on Hartford Street when he carried fourteen bags of groceries from his car up to his apartment in one trip, sources reported last …
Guy on exercise bike increases workload to impress cute girl
ETOBICOKE, ON – While using an exercise bike at his local gym last Tuesday, Ryan Savage, an infrequent gym patron, increased the machine’s speed and resistance after noticing a cute girl wa…
Squash partner invokes dangerous ‘dick-out’ rule
WINNIPEG, MA – A game of squash between two University of Winnepeg professors turned extremely unsafe last Saturday morning after the ‘dick-out’ rule was invoked. Prof. Paul Stewarts, 39, f…
Erratic orbit of Pluto used as pick-up line
YORK, ON – At a downtown house party over the weekend, James Denison, 21, a third-year astronomy major at York University, used an unconventional method to initiate a conversation with a gi…
Botched handshake embarrasses local man
HAMILTON, ON – Local resident Mark Sanford, 24, ruined his chances of making friends with two cool dudes yesterday when an introductory handshake went horribly wrong. Sanford’s friend…
