VANCOUVER – Local bachelor Louie Kaplansky expressed extreme pride this week, when he successfully managed not to kill a cactus he recently acquired. “I usually don’t do well with living things,”…
Heroic battle against cancer cut short by recovery
A woman’s courageous battle against cancer was cut short due to a speedy recovery, hospital doctors reported yesterday. “She’s healing quicker than expected,” explained Dr. Teeple of his patient,…
Otherwise normal colleague has only 26 Facebook friends
CALGARY, AB – Brad Henshaw, a 28-year-old outgoing staff member of a large market research firm, has only 26 Facebook friends – a number that suggests “There is something deeply wrong…
Most boring diary ever kept hidden away like it was some sort of fucking gem, reports disappointed mother
KINGSTON, ON – The discovery of 15-year-old Stacey Bradenham’s very secret diary has proven disappointing for the Bradenhams, sources from the family report. “I was pretty excited at first,…
Hand-washing apparently still too complicated for 90% of the population
OTTAWA – Despite countless campaigns, television ads, posters, and educational programs, only a small portion of the Canadian population seems to have grasped the concept of washing their h…
‘Occupy Toronto’ successfully undermines ‘Occupy Wall Street’
TORONTO – ‘Occupy Toronto’ protesters are celebrating their media gains over ‘Occupy Wall Street’ this week. “People didn’t think we had it in us,” said Alek Brondowin, a protester. “But slowly w…
