SAN FRANCISCO, CA – Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced plans for a new thermo-mining drill today that would have the capacity to drill deep enough to pull his head out of his ass. “Today i…
Breaking: USA does bare minimum
WASHINGTON D.C. – After a gruelling five days of counting votes between presidential candidates Donald Trump and Joe Biden, the American people have pulled forward to do the absolute bare m…
Adorable? This cow and dog are best friends but the cow keeps feeding the dog QAnon propaganda
Times are tough! There’s no denying that. To begin to list through everything that’s been causing us stress this year would be redundant, we get it. But we wanted to show you that there is still …
Man slipping razor blades into Halloween candy feeling pretty lost this year
TORONTO – Local sicko Hugh Savarian, who’s been carefully sliding razor blades into candy for trick or treaters for the past 37 years of his life, has reported feelings of aimlessness…
Beer and board games night ruined by beer and board games
SARNIA, ON- A local friendly gathering known as “Beer and board games night” quickly devolved into noisy, aggressive chaos after the appearance of beer and board games. The night was organi…
BREAKING: Archaeologists uncover the ballot that killed Adolf Hitler
BERLIN ─ After 85 years of searching, a team of archaeologists have finally uncovered what they believe to be the single ballot that killed Adolf Hitler. “This is simply astonishing work,” lead p…
Kielburgers inspire children nationwide to run away from their problems
TORONTO – Amidst government scandal, We Charity has announced it is winding down its operations in Canada in order to inspire countless Canadian children to run away from their problems too…
Where are they now? We sat down with Don Cherry and immediately regretted it
In November 2019, beloved hockey commentator Don Cherry was fired from Hockey Night In Canada, after he made comments claiming immigrants were disrespecting fallen Canadian veterans by not purcha…
Fuck it. Let’s do the pros and cons of glory holes
The British Columbian Centre for Disease Control has recommended using glory holes for sexual intercourse in order to minimize the spread of COVID-19 and honestly at this point, fuck it, let’s re…