QUEEN’S PARK – During his 2018 election campaign, Ford claimed the Liberals had left him with a $15 billion deficit, now understood to be a much smaller sum of $7.8 billion, and has since promise…
Doug Ford to privatize birds
TORONTO — This week, Premier Doug Ford announced a bold plan to privatize birds in the province of Ontario. “We’ve been wasting money on public birds for too long,” said Ford. “We simply ca…
Uber driver has good chuckle about how he almost killed you both
TORONTO – This week, an Uber driver nearly drove his car into oncoming traffic, then made brief eye contact with you in the rearview mirror while chuckling about it. Rather than pulling over, or …
Tesla reveals plans for self-actualizing car
MENLO PARK – This week, technology giant Tesla Motors announced plans to design and build a new generation of self-actualized cars. “I envision a world where we own cars that not only drive…
Banks concerned looming recession may hinder Millennial ability to build up crippling debt
OTTAWA — This week, financial analysts reported that the North American economy is showing major signs of a looming recession, which could negatively impact the abilities of youths to owe b…
Coconut oil can solve any problem, and yes I’d like to sell you some
By: Dennis Hopf The wheel. Penicillin. Coconut oil. Perfect inventions that unlocked humanity’s potential. During this boring bus ride, allow me to clarify in plain language why coconut oil will …
Stolen Group of Seven painting fortunately only a Frederick Varley
TORONTO – Private gallery owner Richard Grier announced that a Group of Seven painting stolen this week was thankfully was only a piece by Frederick Varley. “You can imagine my distress when I no…
Netflix’s Bird Box sequel promises more birds, bigger box
HOLLYWOOD – After impressive viewing statistics, Netflix has announced a sequel to the Sandra Bullock film Bird Box, which promises “a lot more birds” and a “way bigger box.” “We assumed vi…
Local man’s dog has better jacket than him
TORONTO – This week dog owner Ben Mazer shocked Bickford dog park by showing up with a dog with a significantly better jacket. Clad in a simple coat from an army surplus outlet, Mazer seemed unfa…
Intermittent fasting championed by miserable, starving man
REGINA – This week, local accountant Jeffrey Higgins announced to family and friends that yes, intermittent fasting works, with the minor side effect of a hellish existence. “I’ve tried man…