TORONTO—Just two weeks before the opening of the 2015 Pan American games in Toronto, organizers have unveiled a new marketing strategy designed to generate greater interest in the games by re-nam…
Red-haired woman bragging about how easily she sunburns for some reason
VANCOUVER — Attendees of a local barbecue report that a red-haired woman is talking animatedly about how easily she gets sunburned, for reasons that cannot be determined by anyone at the scene or…
Man pretty sure thank-you card for Christmas gift will make things worse at this point
MISSISSAUGA — Local man James Redwy told reporters yesterday that despite “really wanting” to send a thank-you note to his aunt Susan for the sweater she gave him for Christmas, at this point it’…
Valentine’s Day was invented by corporations trying to sell more Torque Aquiline Sexbots
By: Hank Egelman Valentine’s day is a Christian tradition first celebrated in the 17th century in honour of a martyred saint killed by beheading. But since then, it’s morphed from a simple religi…
Report: Decreased interest rate will cause Canadian calendar increase of 2.7 days, or something
In the wake of the Bank of Canada’s recent interest rate cut and wide speculation about its impact on inflation, the housing market, and the economy as a whole, overwhelmed experts are now predic…
Lost tribes of Amazon now ordering from Amazon
ENVIRA RIVER, BRAZIL — In a statement yesterday, representatives from the Ashaninka tribe located in a remote region of the Amazon rainforest announced to reporters that they had begun ordering i…
Let’s not jump to conclusions about Jian until we have the facts
BY: BIG EARS TEDDY Friends, fans, Canadians, I, like many of you, was deeply disturbed by allegations made earlier this week against my friend, roommate, and boss Jian Ghomeshi. I, like many of y…
5 Thanksgiving recipes guaranteed to make you forget your disintegrating family
1) Five boxes of wine If you want to take a traditional route, don’t bother with carbs or industrial chemicals, and enjoy the elegant simplicity that is five boxes (or about 120 cups) of w…
Scottish voters say ‘ach ye windie voon dawn’ to independence
EDINBURGH — After years of country-wide debate, and a frenzied campaign that appeared to tighten in the final weeks, the result of Scotland’s independence referendum made a resounding internation…
Local leaves lament frail mortality of poet
CALGARY — This September, as children leave their summer games to return to school, and their parents begin to reluctantly don winter sweaters, the leaves outside the window of local poet Thom Mu…
