TORONTO – Despite its obvious practical uses, Dr. Vincent D. Ranged is experiencing some pushback from the grant board on his application for a giant laser. “Yes of course it’s essential fo…
Freshman student really pours his heart out during Name Game
MONTREAL – Dennis Lawson, a first-year student at McGill university, accidentally bared his soul to his floor-mates during a routine “Name Game” at a residence mixer. “The game was pretty s…
Top 5 back-to-school wines for teachers
The school year is just beginning, which means that it’s time for teachers across the nation to restock their secret caches of wine. Don’t let yourself get overwhelmed by the hundreds of choices!…
Harper resigns from politics to spend more time with his egg sac
CALGARY – After several long discussions with his top aides, Stephen Harper has decided to resign from political life so he can focus on taking care of the egg sac filled with his unborn br…
Starbucks opens first ever franchise inside Dave
PETERBOROUGH – After a long fought battle, multinational corporation Starbucks has finally completed construction on a franchise located inside Dave, a Peterborough man. “Dave was a tough m…
Derek Drouin wins high jump gold while trying to escape horde of Rio rats
RIO DE JANEIRO – With a jump of 2.38m, 26 year-old Derek Drouin earned a gold medal in the high jump while trying to escape from a large group of rats that had found their way into the Rio …
Tinder profile picture just manages to frame out gaping wound
SASKATOON – Tim Cordwell, active user of popular dating app Tinder, is satisfied with his new profile picture, which just manages to frame out a horrific injury he recently sustained. “Ah, …
Co-worker on maternity leave probably at fucking Six Flags right now
OTTAWA – Employees at Ace One consulting were collectively fuming at co-worker Vanessa Clay, the recipient of a whole two months of mat leave that’s she’s probably using to hang out at awes…
7 dead after stray cigarette accidentally sets water in Olympic pool on fire
RIO DE JANEIRO – Seven are dead and 33 injured after a lit cigarette accidentally fell into the Olympic pool during a men’s semi-final heat for the 100m butterfly. “When I saw the cigarette…
Shocking report reveals Tim Hortons’ Boston Cream filling not made with Canadian pus
OTTAWA – The nation is in an uproar today, after federal food inspectors conclusively proved that the whitish-yellow inflamed abscesses used in Tim Horton’s Boston Cream donuts are not Cana…