WATERLOO, ON – Reigning Rubik’s Cube king Steven Blatchkist wowed judges at the 2013 World Championships yesterday by solving a 4D variant of the puzzle prior to it having been developed or…
Local construction project awakens community’s environmental activism, dormant alien race
STRATHMORE, AB – The second phase of the construction of a massive golf course in Strathmore, Alberta has struck a chord with environmentally conscious members of the suburb, as well as with the …
Earth starts new orbit around sun with clean slate, colossal hangover
A TINY SPECK IN THE MILKY WAY – Bouncing back from the previous night’s festivities, Planet Earth is excited to begin its new revolution just as soon as she recovers from a splitting headache. Th…
Rob Ford’s proposed Subway extension to bring 18-inch sandwiches to Scarborough
SCARBOROUGH – After years of uncertainty, the City of Toronto finally has enough dough for a Subway plan that will increase the size of the Footlong by six inches. The project, part of a broader …
Physicists discover black hole in social life
TORONTO – After spending years in virtual isolation from the outside world, a team of astrophysicists at the University of Toronto have confirmed the existence of a supermassive black hole at the…
City of Montreal bans public places near smokers
MONTREAL – After agreeing that city parks, restaurants and museums are making it increasingly difficult for Montrealers to light up cigarettes without moral hesitation, the Montreal City Council …
Latest self pat-down confirms presence of wallet, cancer
THORNHILL WOODS, ON – Shortly before leaving the subway train, local businessman Jerry Levin’s paranoid pocket exploration established the existence of his wallet, cellphone, house keys and a mal…
Memory foam mattress never lets local man forget
GREY COUNTY – Despite constantly trying to distract himself from what happened during that portentous night of November 17, 1996, Owen Sound resident Gabriel Tougas’ polyurethane matt…
‘Cash for gold’ commercials attract first customer
TORONTO – Local jewellery buyer Russell Oliver announced today that the TV advertisements for his gold-buying business, which have been running nonstop for the past decade, have successfull…
When will I ever need these equations in real life?
By Stephen Hawking A few days ago I stumbled across a major empirical inconsistency in the apsidal precession predicted by Einstein’s general theory of relativity. As I finished writing dow…