NEW YORK, NY – A wealth of statistical evidence has impelled scientists at Columbia University to blame man-made climate change on the liquefication of the final clock in Salvador Dalí’s renowned…
UPDATE: Same old shit happening in Gaza again
TEL AVIV – Both Palestinian and Israeli sources have confirmed today that the “usual crap” is currently taking place in Gaza, and that they have “fucking had it.” “I’m tired of all this shit,” sa…
‘No shark in Lake Ontario’, shark says
KINGSTON, ON – A YouTube video posted last Friday claiming to show a shark residing in Lake Ontario is a “total hoax,” reports the shark residing in Lake Ontario. “There’s absolutely nothing to w…
Sodom, Gomorrah named hosts of 2026 FIFA World Cup
ZURICH – Despite being capitals of grievous sin destroyed in an act of divine retribution, the Biblical cities of Sodom and Gomorrah have been named by the FIFA Executive Committee as hosts…
Google unveils carless driver
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CALIFORNIA – In a move that promises to ravish and dilapidate the transportation industry, technology leviathan Google, Inc. has revealed ‘Walker’: a fully-functional p…
Local man underestimates temperature of dumpling
WINKLER, MN – Incorrectly thinking that he had let it sit on his plate for a long enough time, Winkler resident Fred Collins was burned by a pork dumpling at dinnertime. “I was hungry, and I thou…
Writers of popular Rob Ford dramedy criticized for recurring crack cocaine plot device
TORONTO – Viewership for the once wildly popular primetime show Mayor Ford has been steadily declining after writers used crack cocaine to advance the plot for the second straight season. The awa…
I’m not the fucking Science Guy, you fucks
BY BILL NIGHY Every time I tell them my name at Starbucks, the cashier seems to feel the need to ask me, “Oh, like the science guy?” Ha ha. Well. Take a good fucking look at my last name you shit…
Local pulp mill improves matzah recipe
DRYDEN – After hearing numerous complaints, a pulp mill in Dryden, Ontario has decided to amend its method of manufacturing matzah bread on the eve of the Passover holiday. The Dryden Mill, which…
Environmental scientists struggle to close giant hole in climate change denier’s layer of reasoning
GENEVA – Researchers at the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) are currently working hard to seal the chasmal gap in the arguments regurgitated by deniers of global climate change a…