STANDING ROCK, ND — The Army Corp of Engineers has announced they will deny permits for the Dakota Access Pipeline, representing a victory for the Standing Rock protesters and a lone bright…
Homegrown Canadian racists determined to compete with flashier American racists
OTTAWA – Following the events of the US election, Canada’s homegrown and indie racists are determined to not have their hateful efforts overshadowed by the behemoth to the south. “People ar…
Facebook introduces ‘Life Achievement Filter’ to block friends’ happiness
PALO ALTO – Facebook has announced a new setting that will keep user’s timelines free of friends’ posts regarding engagements, promotions, and trips to the gym. “We know what our users want…
2023 poppies “extra stabby” to help Canadians appreciate soldiers’ sacrifice
OTTAWA – Representatives from the Royal Canadian Legion have confirmed that their 2023 poppies were designed for optimal pointiness, size, and “gouge-ability”, to help Canadians better reme…
Male injection recipients complain after becoming first humans to ever suffer side effects from birth control
Geneva, Switzerland – Following a clinical trial of an injectable male contraceptive, the male scientists and male test subjects involved have announced that they are the first human beings…
Local woman relieved she can stop meaning to figure out what Vine is
ST. JOHN’S – With the announcement that Twitter will shut down its popular video sharing app Vine, local woman Angela MacIsaac, 31, has expressed relief that she no longer feels obligated t…
Local man repeatedly tries to order pizza on crashing website rather than call human being
FREDERICTON – Local electrical apprentice Mike Brenton is reportedly on his fifth attempt to order pizza on a crashing website, in a desperate attempt to avoid a two-minute phone conversati…
Local adult “only has 2 weeks” to finish Halloween costume
PRINCE RUPERT – Despite being a 33-year-old adult male with a job and bills to pay, local copywriter Ben Gibson has expressed concern that he will be unable to complete his Edward Scissorha…
Blue Jays conspiracy theorists cling to “second thrower” theory
TORONTO – With police claiming to have identified the man who threw a beer can onto the field during Tuesday’s wild-card game, a vocal subset of fans insist there was an unidentified “secon…
BREAKING: Gas station bathroom will have to do
OUTSIDE BRANDON, MANITOBA – Late breaking reports from the TransCanada Highway indicate that, with all other conceivable options off the table, the men’s room of the Fast Gas N Go will have…
