WASHINGTON D.C. — Senators Flake, Collins, and the rest of the GOP are praising the FBI’s report on their investigation into Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, which consists entirely o…
Local man still waving his hand in front of automated sink sensor
REGINA — Reports indicate that local man Cameron Watts, 34, is still trapped inside the bathroom of a local Outback Steakhouse, futilely waving his unwashed hands in front of the non-respon…
Doug Ford insists he has always been a huge fan of unelected, activist judges
TORONTO — With the Court Of Appeal granting the PC government’s request for a stay and paving the way for Toronto Council to be cut in half, Premier Ford is loudly insisting that he is and …
Doug Ford’s Midnight Society introduces only the most horrifying legislation
QUEEN’S PARK — To speed through passage of his controversial Bill 31 cutting Toronto city council in half, last night Doug Ford held a midnight session where members could pass their most “…
Rise in conspiracy theories revealed to be driven by corkboard, string manufacturers
WASHINGTON D.C. — A federal task force has determined that the recent rise in online conspiracy theories has in fact been a well-coordinated plot by several powerful corporations designed t…
OPINION: I am part of the Resistance inside the Galactic Empire
By: Anonymous (note: The Beaverton is taking the rare step of publishing an anonymous Op-Ed essay. We have done so at the request of the author, a senior Commander on the Death Star whose identit…
Nike encourages Americans to buy Colin Kaepernick merchandise to show support/ burn in protest
PORTLAND, OR — Following the announcement that Colin Kaepernick will be their new spokesperson, Nike is encouraging all Americans to buy as much of the Kaepernick merchandise as possible, e…
Local woman stays just informed enough to be angry and sad all the time
ST. JOHN’S — Local marketing consultant Ashley McEwan is focusing on her own emotional well-being by reading precisely enough news to be filled with pervasive existential dread at all times…
How dare Trudeau attack this hardworking Canadian heckler who we shouldn’t ask any further questions about
By Andrew Scheer As leader of the Conservative Party of Canada, I am outraged that Justin Trudeau publicly slammed a decent, law-abiding constituent who asked him a fair question and deserves no …
In wake of sex abuse report, Catholic priests relieved God not actually real
PHILADELPHIA — Following a Pennsylvania grand jury report which detailed decades of sexual abuses by priests and cover-ups by bishops, the world’s Catholic priests are expressing relief tha…
