QUEEN’S PARK — As the Ford Government’s pandemic plan faces criticism for ignoring schools to prioritizing re-opening bars, the premier assured Ontarians that he will solve the dilemma by l…
FBI promises to expedite process of Epstein associate mysteriously hanging herself in prison
NEW YORK – After arresting Ghislaine Maxwell, accomplice of convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, the Justice Department has promised to put the FBI’s full resources behind expediting her…
Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads still putting finishing touches on #BlackLivesMatter statement
TOPEKA, KS – Following the lead of other major corporate brands like Walmart, JP Morgan Chase, and the NFL, executives at the head office of Thompson’s Discount Anal Beads have been hard at…
Children forced to sit through online church service can’t even fantasize about going home
THE LIVING ROOM – As the Dobson family sits through a Zoom stream of their weekly church service, children Max, Ashley, and Timothy report being robbed of even their usual fantasy of finish…
Ford Government promises to discuss visiting family members once guidelines established for butlers, sommeliers
QUEEN’S PARK — Today Premier Ford announced his government will begin developing guidelines for when Ontarians can visit their families again, just as soon as they finish establishing rules…
Caroline In The City cast reunites for pandemic episode for some reason
HOLLYWOOD — As people across the world continue to self-quarantine during the COVID-19 crisis, the cast of mid-90s NBC sitcom Caroline In The City will reunite for a one-time pandemic-theme…
Trump frankly disappointed more haven’t died yet
WASHINGTON D.C. — During his latest briefing on the deadly coronavirus pandemic, a frustrated President Trump admitted to reporters that he is “actually kind of annoyed” that the death toll…
Trudeau airs a coronavirus update rerun, to see if anyone notices
OTTAWA – After several weeks of daily broadcast addresses on the government’s coronavirus response, Prime Minister Trudeau today decided to re-air a previous clip to see if Canadians would …
Self-quarantined workforce discovers 95% of all jobs could have just been an e-mail
CANADA — As the COVID-19 situation finds many Canadians working from home for the first time, the overwhelming majority report discovering that their entire job description could normally b…
Local man assures shoppers he definitely also hoarding toilet paper for coronavirus
MISSISSAUGA, ON — As self-quarantining shoppers clear out many stores’ inventory of toilet paper, local systems analyst Greg Charpman keeps repeatedly insisting that his need to stockpile t…
