MUSKOKA, ON — After shuffling his cabinet and adjourning the provincial legislature, premier Doug Ford announced plans to spend his 5 month break criticizing the 3 month summer break that O…
Kawhi Leonard celebrates by staring at different wall
TORONTO — Following the Raptor’s first ever NBA championship victory, and his win as series MVP, Kawhi Leonard reportedly let his emotions run wild by turning slightly to his left, and star…
Trump fails to notice that Royals sent cast of “The Crown” to greet him
LONDON — While in London on an official state visit, US President Donald Trump failed to recognize that Buckingham Palace had sent the cast of Netflix’s The Crown in place of the actual Roy…
Democrats plan even more strongly-worded letter asking Trump to follow the rules please
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the wake of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s press conference leaving impeachment up to Congress, House Democrats have announced they will instead send President Trump…
Anti-vax protest cancelled due to measles outbreak
PORTLAND, OR — A protest planned by the parents group “Vaccine Rights Now” has been postponed due to a local measles outbreak which has hospitalized dozens. “I would rather be out there pro…
Fans cheer as Avengers: Endgame brings closure to cinema as a whole
HOLLYWOOD — As Marvel Studios’ epic film Avengers: Endgame breaks box office records, fans across the world have cheered as it offers a thrilling finale to every film ever made up to this p…
STUDY: Average Canadian reads 97% less after getting too old for Scholastic book fair
HALIFAX — Researchers at Dalhousie University have determined that most Canadians’ volume of reading plummets over 97% after they leave elementary school, and thusly age out of the Scholast…
Catholic Church assures billionaires that none of their Notre Dame donations will go to poor
VATICAN CITY — Speaking to the handful of billionaires, CEO’s, and corporations that had immediately donated billions of dollars to rebuild the burned Notre Dame Cathedral, Pope Francis ass…
Redacted Mueller Report reads: “████ Trump ████ ███ not ██ ████ ██ guilty ████”
WASHINGTON, DC — After refusing to release the full Mueller Report for several weeks, Attorney General William Barr has cleared the report for public consumption, which states, “██████████ …
Trudeau always assumed he would be taken down by much sexier scandal
OTTAWA — Following criticism of his decision to oust Jody Wilson-Raybould from the Liberal caucus in the fallout of the SNC-Lavalin affair, Prime Minister Trudeau has replied that he always…
