TORONTO — Following a police investigation into graphic reports of sexual assault among the students at St. Michael’s private Catholic boys school, the faculty as well as some parents…
Majority of Canadians relieved they can no longer afford to live in Vancouver
OTTAWA — Following a report showing that Vancouver is now the least affordable housing market in North America, millions of Canadians have expressed relief that living there is no longer an…
Trump fires Jeff Sessions as ‘treat to self’ after 6 days without constitutional crisis
WASHINGTON D.C. — United States Attorney General Jeff Sessions has resigned at the president’s request, a move Trump took as a reward to himself after lasting 6 whole days since his last co…
Local uncle unsure how long he can keep up charade of knowing what Fortnite is
LETHBRIDGE, AB — Local uncle Brad Reynolds, 36, is uncertain how long he can maintain the fiction that he understands who or what Fortnite is, to his nephew Tyler, 7, and niece Emily, 11. S…
Mail bomber arrest ends exhaustive search for Trump 2020 Campaign Chairman
Plantation, FL — Following a string of mail bombs sent to Democrat leaders and CNN, authorities have arrested a man who was immediately offered a position as Trump 2020 campaign chairman. T…
John Tory stunned to learn he can’t send butler to vote for him
TORONTO — As Torontonians head to the polls, Mayor John Tory is reportedly shocked that he cannot send his butler, Reginald Percy Shillingsworth, to cast his ballot for him. “What? You expe…
Marijuana-sniffing dogs reassigned to Canada civil service
OTTAWA — With Canada’s upcoming legalization of marijuana, the Federal Government has reassigned dozens of former cannabis-sniffing dogs to work in various other ministries and departments.…
Toronto Sun offers weekly column to arsonist who targeted refugee hotel
TORONTO — Following an attempted arson at the Radisson Toronto, which appeared to be inspired in part by Toronto Sun columns regarding refugees staying in the hotel, the Sun has offered a w…
François Legault assures Muslim, Sikh, Jewish civil servants that they are free to wear crucifixes to work
QUEBEC CITY — Premier-designate François Legault has assured Quebec citizens that, since the crucifix is a historical symbol and not a religious one, civil servants of other faiths should f…
Nation’s sweaty men demand arrest of weird summer weather
OTTAWA – Representatives from the nationwide coalition of Canada’s sweaty, clammy, and otherwise moist men have descended on Parliament to demand swift justice against this Fall’s unseasona…
