BRADFORD, ON — Today Premier Doug Ford announced a new highway project which will exclusively allow passage for armoured cars delivering large piles of cash to the wealthy real estate magna…
Local man suffers stress-induced heart attack while observing NaNoNutWriMovember
HALIFAX, NS – Local man Greg Sanders, 29, was admitted to hospital following an acute stress-induced cardiac episode, a result of his decision to spend all of November growing a moustache, …
Jason Kenney assures Albertans he still having “Best Fall Ever”
EDMONTON – As Alberta reels from a 4th of COVID wave brought on by relaxed restrictions during the province’s promised “Best Summer Ever”, premier Jason Kenney assured frightened citizens t…
Breaking: Cat apparently eats flowers now
REGINA, SK – Household sources are reporting that, as of 8pm last evening, the cat apparently likes to eat decorative flowers now. This stunning feline development was first witnessed by ca…
China releases two Michaels, offers Canada loyalty card good for deals on future hostages
BEIJING – Following a deal that resolved charges against Huawei executive Meng Wanzhou, China has released detained Canadians Michael Kovrig and Michael Spavor, and included a complimentary…
Final polls show 0% of Canadians sure why we needed an election
OTTAWA – As the Liberal and Conservative parties poll in a dead heat to form Canada’s next government, an aggregate of polls show that absolutely not one single voter can explain why this e…
Following emergency lockdown, Jason Kenney announces impromptu apology Stampede
EDMONTON – Following the announcement of strict new measures to combat the out of control spread of COVID-19, Premier Jason Kenney announced he will make it up to Albertans by holding a sur…
Antivaxxer spends day protesting hospital where he’ll spend next month intubated
TORONTO – Local anti-vaccine protestor Brayden Crosby, 32, spent today demonstrating against COVID-19 vaccine mandates outside the hospital where he will coincidentally be admitted for chro…
Anti-vax protestors throw rocks at Trudeau due to not having entered Bronze Age yet
LONDON, ON – During an election campaign stop Prime Minister Justin Trudeau faced anti-vaccine protestors who hurled rocks, namely because they lack the intelligence and evolutionary capabi…
Andrea Horwath announces bold plan to never, ever, ever become premier
TORONTO – Ontario NDP leader Andrea Horwath announced that she would oppose mandatory COVID vaccinations for teachers, yet another plank in her expansive new plan to never become Ontario’s …
