HALIFAX – Following a trying summer of forest fires and floods, Halifax once again scrambles to ready themselves for its next force majeure: the annual deluge of wealthy Ontarians to Dalhou…
White kid’s name spelled normally
OAKVILLE – Residents are expressing concern, as it was discovered today that a local white child’s name leverages a traditional spelling. Private and public citizens alike were aghast when …
Bettman vows to build a whole new city in Arizona if he has to
PHOENIX, AZ – After numerous cities have voted against supporting the construction of a new arena for the Arizona Coyotes, a defiant Gary Bettman stated his intention to found an entirely n…
NHL honours its best by forcing them to listen to D-List celebrities mispronounce their names
NASHVILLE – After another successful season, the NHL will be celebrating its best players in traditional fashion, by making them sit in a crowded auditorium while a collection of obscure Am…
Atlantic Canadians finally learn the secret ingredient in Chris Brothers pepperoni: Chris’s Brother
HALIFAX – The Atlantic provinces are abuzz at the news that the region’s favourite deli, Chris Brothers, has finally revealed the secret to its famed pepperoni: Chris’s brother. Speaking fr…
Ben & Jerry’s unveils new flavour, Bachelor Freezer Burn
VERMONT – Popular American ice cream manufacturer Ben & Jerry’s announced its latest flavour, today, coming to the public in the form of “Bachelor Freezer Burn”. According to founders,…
Clothes in hamper smell good enough
REGINA – Part-time barista Melanie Ericsson has reportedly expressed relief after realizing she had no clean clothes but, fortunately, discovered that those in her hamper had a pleasant-eno…
Canadian TV writer not on strike, just unemployed
TORONTO – Local television writer Sean Tudyk recently assured a concerned public that the Writers Guild of America strike wasn’t negatively impacting him because, as a Canadian screenwriter…
Gun violence grinds to a halt after God finds prayers in spam folder
HEAVEN – On a short Zoom call with stakeholders, today, God informed those present that the most recent mass shooting in the United States was the result of a too-broad junk filter in Heave…
Sikh Community prepares for annual pilgrimage of White politicians to Brampton
BRAMPTON, ON – As Sikhs across Canada look forward to 2023’s Vaisakhi celebrations, volunteers in Brampton are hastily preparing in anticipation for one of their communities most cherished …