EDMONTON – Recently laid-off Natalie Ramires has been evangelizing about the benefits of a fixed daily schedule built upon panic, anguish and despair during self-isolation. “I live alone, …
Local jerkwad only on day 3 of quarantine
GUELPH, ON – Early this morning local fool Hansen Lund posted an obnoxiously long Instagram story detailing his third day of quarantine, much to the horror and displeasure of his followers.…
Modern day Shakespeare? This woman wrote another explicit One Direction fanfic during quarantine
MISSISSAUGA, ON – As of yesterday, remote brand strategist Lana Frasier completed yet another One Direction fanfiction during self-isolation. “Yeah, I heard that Shakespeare wrote King Lear…
Locked down Canadians gather on balconies, struggle to collectively sing really fast part of One Week by Barenaked Ladies
TORONTO – After witnessing the popularity achieved by a group of locked down Italians singing in unison on their balconies a couple of weeks ago, a gang of Canadians assembled to try to sin…
Japan, IOC postpone all 2020 Olympic events except fencing
TOKYO – Amid the rising COVID-19 pandemic, the International Olympic Committee along with the Japanese government has released a statement confirming that while the majority of the summer g…
Mothers Against Head Crushing boycott impending Kids in the Hall revival
TORONTO – Canadian comedy troupe The Kids in the Hall are returning to the small screen for an 8 episode revival on Amazon Prime Video. The news of the show’s reboot elicited a heated boyco…
Men scramble to find a personality after CDC suggests shaving beard to stop coronavirus
ATLANTA, GA – A 2017 infographic issued by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention re-emerged this week with facial hair grooming tips in light of the coronavirus outbreak, leaving m…
Analysis: Are quarantined passengers adequately protected from Cornwall?
CORNWALL, ON – Passengers repatriated from the Diamond Princess cruise ship arrived in Cornwall this morning, though many experts worry that the quarantined passengers are not being properl…
Algorithm scrambles to get woman perfect, last-minute Valentine’s Day gift
TORONTO – A series of preset coded instructions attune to the online habits of Sara Ketema rushed to present a perfect Valentine’s Day gift to its monitored host, though many experts argue …
Feminist win! Girl boss lays off thousands
WATERLOO, ON – CEO and HBIC of Sqork Media, Cheryl Hawkins recently laid off thousands of employees in a broader attempt to cut down costs. In a statement to the press, Hawkins said, “Thoug…