Los Angeles, CA – Actress Sydney Sweeney has reported that she is very tired of hearing stories about whoever this Sydney Sweeney person is. “I’ll be honest, I never watched Euphoria,” stat…
Jeff Bezos puts hit out on “socialist” Santa Claus
North Pole, CA – After years of competition between the two Christmas lovers, Jeff Bezos has finally decided to end Santa Claus’ hold on Christmas by putting a hit out on Saint Nick after h…
Stranger Things to eventually release Season 5, Volume 4: Chapters 9-17 – Acts One and Two
Hawkins, Indiana – Netflix has announced that they plan to release the highly anticipated potential conclusion to Stranger Things, eventually. “We know fans got a real kick out of Season 5,…
Man in his thirties having trouble finding friends because he actually sucks
Local Pub, Everywhere – Local man Fred Marston has realized how tough it is making friends in your thirties, especially when you’re kind of terrible. “It ain’t easy as you get older to meet…
RFK Jr. criticizes science behind seatbelts
Washington, D.C. – In another upending of health rules and regulations from the new administration, secretary of health RFK Jr. has revealed the true dangers of seat belt use. “Seatbelts ma…
Men of Hollywood line up to see who will be first to groom AI actress
Los Angeles, CA – Hollywood is abuzz with rumors surrounding young non-actress Tilly Norwood and which Hollywood groomer will be the first to groom the young AI slop. “We’ve had a few eligi…
President Trump pardons the Hamburglar
McDonalds, D.C. – US President Donald Trump has added to his list of pardons another well-known criminal, McDonald’s mascot The Hamburglar. “He is a really great guy, this guy,” stated Trum…
Trump responds to Reagan ad with own commercial featuring Jean Chrétien strangling protestor
Shawinigan, Quebec – US President Donald Trump has responded to Ford’s anti-tariff commercial with his own anti-protestor commercial featuring previous Canadian prime minister Jean Chrétien…
Nintendo celebrates approval of patent on having fun, laughing
Tokyo, Japan – Nintendo is celebrating after being granted a patent on the human emotion of joy, having fun, and general merriment. “Finally something we exclusively brought to the world is…
Israel reports they have found “missing” Greta Thunberg safe and invited her for fun, mandatory sleepover
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL – The government of Israel reports that it has intercepted a flotilla of boats, containing among others Greta Thunberg, which was in fact en route for a long-scheduled slee…
