Local Pub, Everywhere – Local man Fred Marston has realized how tough it is making friends in your thirties, especially when you’re kind of terrible. “It ain’t easy as you get older to meet…
RFK Jr. criticizes science behind seatbelts
Washington, D.C. – In another upending of health rules and regulations from the new administration, secretary of health RFK Jr. has revealed the true dangers of seat belt use. “Seatbelts ma…
Men of Hollywood line up to see who will be first to groom AI actress
Los Angeles, CA – Hollywood is abuzz with rumors surrounding young non-actress Tilly Norwood and which Hollywood groomer will be the first to groom the young AI slop. “We’ve had a few eligi…
President Trump pardons the Hamburglar
McDonalds, D.C. – US President Donald Trump has added to his list of pardons another well-known criminal, McDonald’s mascot The Hamburglar. “He is a really great guy, this guy,” stated Trum…
Trump responds to Reagan ad with own commercial featuring Jean Chrétien strangling protestor
Shawinigan, Quebec – US President Donald Trump has responded to Ford’s anti-tariff commercial with his own anti-protestor commercial featuring previous Canadian prime minister Jean Chrétien…
Nintendo celebrates approval of patent on having fun, laughing
Tokyo, Japan – Nintendo is celebrating after being granted a patent on the human emotion of joy, having fun, and general merriment. “Finally something we exclusively brought to the world is…
Israel reports they have found “missing” Greta Thunberg safe and invited her for fun, mandatory sleepover
TEL AVIV, ISRAEL – The government of Israel reports that it has intercepted a flotilla of boats, containing among others Greta Thunberg, which was in fact en route for a long-scheduled slee…
Jared Kushner surprised $55 Billion Electronic Arts buyout does not include $10 Billion DLC
Riyadh, Saudi Arabia – Silver Lake Partners, Saudi Arabia’s sovereign wealth fund, and Jared Kushner were shocked when they found out their $55 Billion buyout of EA did not include the new,…
Trump’s Hollywood tariffs force Dune 3 to shoot in Mississippi
Jackson, Arrakis – President Donald Trump’s proposed tariffs on movies filmed in other countries has forced Dune producers to relocate to Jackson, Mississippi. “It doesn’t quite match the d…
RFK Jr.’s new vaccine board includes Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Doctor Doom and Dr. Evil
Kennedy’s Volcano Lair, D.C. – Robert Kennedy Jr. has shocked the scientific community after firing the entire vaccine board and replacing them with Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil, Doctor Doom, and Dr. E…
