MAR-A-LAGO, FL – Speaking from his private resort President-Elect Trump explained that, despite his rhetoric, he won’t be able to make good on his threats to annex Canada because of his bone spur…
Trump threatens to tariff California wildfires unless they immediately extinguish themselves
MAR-A-LAGO, FL – President Elect Trump spoke from his resort to demand that the wildfires destroying large portions of Los Angeles stop immediately or else he will impose various trade sanctions …
News Anchor excited for annual holiday tradition of paying lip service to Hannukah
VANCOUVER – Local TV news anchor Mitch Huggins was shaking with anticipation Tuesday as local news affiliate WKQC-8 prepared for its yearly tradition of modestly recognizing the existence of Hann…
Chrystia Freeland steps down after fixing Canadian economy
OTTAWA – Canadian Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland has triumphantly announced her resignation after proclaiming victory over all aspects of Canada’s formerly troubled economy. “I’m a firm belie…
Time Magazine strains definition of “Person”
NEW YORK CITY – Times Magazine has announced that Donald Trump has been named in their latest issue as their Person of the year, stretching the definition of “person” to its absolute limit. “He w…
Oasis reaches two-state solution
LONDON – Following years of fomenting hostilities, Liam and Noel Gallagher, founding brothers of British rock band Oasis, have announced a diplomatic breakthrough, each recognizing the other’s so…
Doug Ford closes Safe Injection Site to make way for new All-You-Can-Drink Booze Guzzler’s Emporium
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario Premier Doug Ford has announced the imminent shutdown of a local safe injection site in favour of a new retail outlet devoted solely to alcohol consumption. “I have h…
Environmental protestor at art gallery accidentally glues self to other environmental protestor
PARIS – In a curious display of activist incompetence, a protestor intent on gluing himself to a famous painting has instead found himself accidentally glued to another, unrelated protestor prese…
Adele releases new song about just going to the mall and hanging out with cute boys
LAS VEGAS – Speaking from her residency in Las Vegas, British singer-songwriter Adele has announced the release of a new single all about spending time at the mall, checking out cute boys, and ju…
To deter thefts, Loblaws to force customers to eat entire content of shopping carts before leaving store
BRAMPTON, ON – In their ever-increasing efforts to prevent customers from leaving the store without paying for their goods, grocery monolith Loblaws will now force all patrons to consume everythi…