NORTH AMERICA – In an attempt to show the public that they are in support of the Black Lives Matter movement, executives from companies across North America are promising to listen real har…
UFC Fight Island inhabitants resist allure of the Conch, establish socialist utopia
ABU DHABI – In the midst of preparation for UFC 251, officials and fighters have overcome the power of the bewitching Conch they stumbled upon, and set up a socialist system of government o…
“No Makeup” makeup look now just no makeup
NEW YORK – The makeup world is buzzing as beauty bloggers everywhere have revealed that the new way to achieve the perfect “no makeup” makeup look is to not put on any in the first place. “…
Optimistic woman only burns June pages of 2020 planner
TORONTO – As provincial governments are taking slow and measured steps towards loosening social distancing regulations, 26 year-old Montana Tremeshko destroyed only the June pages of her 20…
Family finally decapitates Minotaur inhabiting living room pillowfort
NELSON, B.C – All eyes were on the Galifinakis residence last Friday night as the family emerged triumphantly from their home with the severed head of the Minotaur that had been dwelling wi…
Sign language interpreters now surpass rock stars in jobs that fuck
VANCOUVER – COVID-19 isn’t the only fever spreading these days. According to a recent poll, sign language interpreters now outrank rock stars when it comes to jobs that fuck. Due to the cur…
Local hipster keeps telling everyone he was on EI before it was cool
EAST VANCOUVER – In the midst of a global pandemic, the government is scrambling to assist those who are struggling financially. While Canadians are trying to cope with losing their jobs, h…
Woman moves beyond bread-making stage of lockdown, breaks ground on mill in apartment
MOOSE JAW, SK – After a few weeks of staying home, Heather Chung has surpassed the bread making stage of self-isolation and has begun building a full-fledged flour mill in her one bedroom a…
Zoom divorce proceeding concludes with somber finger guns
VANCOUVER – After a series of emotionally devastating negotiations, John and Claire Timmons ended their divorce proceeding via Zoom with a pair of cheerless, gloomy finger guns. “Zoom was p…
How to slip in the fact that you’ve watched Rian Johnson’s modern whodunit Knives Out to people at work
We all love classic water cooler chats with our fellow co-workers, but if you’re having trouble connecting with those at your good ol’ 9-to-5, here are some ways to break the ice… by talking abou…