ORLANDO, FL – After thirty-three years in prison, a daring escape, and a high-speed chase, SeaWorld’s prize orca, Tilikum, has committed suicide-by-cop, rather than return to his maximum se…
Cool aunt now appropriating Asian culture
PETERBOROUGH, ON – After five months of yoga and Bhagavad Gita quotes that she read online, Aunt Deborah has now begun to misappropriate cultural elements from various east Asian societies,…
Cure for cancer? These doctors eradicate cancer cells using only scalpels, radiation, and chemotherapy
Big news: using only traditional methods like scalpels, radiation and chemotherapy, a group of doctors at University of Alberta have managed to cure cancer in some patients. This could save milli…
Exhausted conservationist just going to focus on keeping rats from extinction this year
TORONTO – After decades of work during the greatest mass extinction since the Cretaceous, local conservationist Delina Jones is just going to set herself an achievable goal for 2017, by kee…
Lame firetruck barely on fire
LITTLE BAY, ON – For something that purports to be a truck of flame, one local engine can scarcely be said to be burning at all. “This is bullshit,” said local man Dave Menenzes. “You hear …
Nobody sure who gave Secret Santa gift of incriminating photographs
CALGARY – Nobody at the office is sure who gave Jake from accounting the thoughtful, but very unwanted Christmas gift of high-quality photographs that could destroy his professional and per…
Restored transfer payments should help territories stave off wolves this winter
YELLOWKNIFE – With the Trudeau government having restored some $67 million in transfer payments to the North last Spring, the Territories are hoping only 10-15% of their populations will be…
Ontario economy booming after entire month without Liberal fuckup
QUEEN’S PARK – Ontario’s economy has picked up in the last month, owing in part to the Wynne government’s recent decision to stop totally cocking things up. “Ontario is creating more jobs t…
Science Minister Kirsty Duncan terminates escaped specimen on floor of House of Commons
OTTAWA – Moments after an escaped lab specimen burst screeching through the House of Commons doors, Science Minister Kirsty Duncan has euthanized it, with the assistance of a double-barrell…
Electoral Reform Primer: P3- that dope ass one Stephane Dion likes
Overview: You remember that adorable nerd, Stephane Dion? A few years ago, he came up with a better electoral reform system than anybody else ever has. But Canada has not adopted this system, bec…