Unbelievable. It turns out that picking a fight with one of the most powerful and beloved institutions in the world might finally be the thing that brings down Donald Trump. “As a nationalist, I …
Man in bloodstained lab coat demands to know what science has done
DEER CREVICE, ON – After grabbing a series of passers-by to tell them that we should never have tried to play God, a bloodstained local scientist has fallen to his knees in the center of to…
Exasperated God going to keep making new kinds of spiders until we stop being so racist
EARTH – After long eras of systemic racial discrimination by humanity, God has clarified he will keep inventing new, terrible kinds of spider until we stop. “Okay guys,” said God after Dona…
CN Tower climber passes frozen bodies from last year’s climb
TORONTO – Only halfway up its 1,776 steps, one participant in the CN tower charity climb is already passing the frozen bodies of those who didn’t make it last year. “It’s hard to see all th…
Fixing Toronto’s police culture: officers now have to undergo mandatory wine tastings
TORONTO – After a task force charged with modernizing the Toronto Police recommended sweeping changes to its culture, the TPS is demanding its officers develop an increased sensitivity to C…
iPhone autocorrecting words to ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’ again
CUPERTINO, CA – Apple shares took a dip today, as iPhones worldwide once again began to autocorrect messages to read ‘ALL HAIL THE GRAVE KING’. “Hey, are you going to the ALL HAIL THE GRAVE…
Bryan Baeumler’s house now forty stories tall
TORONTO – After four seasons of an HGTV show where he renovates his own house, and one season of another HGTV show where he builds his own house, HGTV star Bryan Baeumler’s house is now for…
Man a traitor to Zognath for dating woman from secular-Groznar family
EDMONTON – Disappointing both his parents and his gentle-hearted saviour Zognath, local man Eric Timmins has started dating a girl whose family are lapsed Groznites. “Of course I take it pe…
John Tory raises transit funds by putting City Hall futon on Craigslist
TORONTO – After Premier Wynne rejected his plan to pay for transit infrastructure with road tolls, Mayor John Tory has been forced to raise funds by putting the City Hall futon on Craigslis…
PARENTING FAIL: Prince George is NOT getting enough blood to grow up a conqueror
Just because they seem like the perfect couple, doesn’t mean Prince William and Kate Middleton are perfect parents. Case in point? 3-year-old Prince George drinks barely a gallon of blood every w…