UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, SK – Only a few short decades after the spellbinding speaker and prairie populist’s alleged death, scientists monitoring the concrete sarcophagus of John Diefenbaker w…
Man wearing all black at night coolest person ever hit by car
VANCOUVER – After being struck by a vehicle while walking downtown in an all-black ensemble, local man Luke Dresler has been declared the coolest person ever run over by a mid-size sedan. “…
Rebounding biodiversity: bison attacks are up 2,000%
WEST CREASE, AB – At one time reduced to a population of fewer than 600, Canadian populations of the Plains Bison have rebounded to the point where an unprecedented crisis of bison attacks …
ISIS takes credit after Saleem accidentally totals Dave’s car
MISSISSAUGA, ON – The Islamic State-affiliated news agency has released a bulletin claiming responsibility, after Saleem accidentally totaled Dave’s car on the way home from sushi last nigh…
Gay cop delivers open letter to Black Lives Matter protestors while carding them
TORONTO – A gay police officer has personally delivered an open letter about the Pride parade protest to organizers of Black Lives Matter Toronto, while illegally collecting their personal …
Teens super stoked to survive summer abroad in Aztec death temple
MEXICO – With high school classes nationwide out for the summer, one group of Canadian teens is preparing to spend an exciting summer abroad in the most profane temple of Chalchiuhtotolin. …
Europe thrilled it’s going to have fewer English tourists
BRUSSELS – After the shocking outcome of last night’s Brexit vote, citizens of the EU say they’re ‘ecstatic’ there are going to be fewer English tourists around. “Obviously, it’s heartbreak…
Nation that took over world sick of being controlled by external power
LONDON – The United Kingdom, a country whose empire once controlled and exploited half the world, has voted to free itself from the tyranny of the European Union. “I’m sick of my country be…
Man should have worn more gingham to this brunch
TORONTO – Citing the amount of gingham that he is wearing and amount of gingham that those around him are wearing, local man Marc Fresno has determined that he should have worn more gingham…
Montreal Grand Prix held in Toronto bike lane
TORONTO – After a last-minute change in venue, the biggest event in Canadian racing will be taking place in the bike lanes of Toronto. “Gaaah,” said Laura Yip, a local woman just trying to …