TORONTO – Earlier reports indicate that the nation has collectively said ‘fuck it’ to hockey since basketball is now the official sport of Canada. Despite hundreds of billions of hours the …
Montreal riots after Boston loss
MONTREAL – Hundreds of rowdy revelers were arrested and businesses were looted in Montreal after an opposing team beat the Boston Bruins to win the Stanley Cup. “We did it!” said Michel Tan…
Scheer marches in Pride after mistaking parade for Yellow Vest demonstration
SASKATOON – Conservative Party Leader Andrew Scheer found himself unintentionally marching in a local pride parade after mistaking the celebration for a Yellow Vest demonstration. Last week…
Ottawa residents spontaneously construct trailer park after third tornado
OTTAWA – Locals from the Ottawa-Gatineau area have spontaneously constructed an extensive trailer park to fit its new role as Canada’s tornado alley. Over 200 mobile homes and trailers have…
Corner store clerks have busy weekend issuing lifetime bans to disruptive customers
TORONTO – Clerks at corner stores across the province were kept busy last weekend kicking out elected officials performing staged photos in front of empty shelves and issuing them lifetime …
Ecstatic bandwagon fan says he’s always been cheering for Kevin Lowry
COBOURG, ON- Bandwagon Raptors fan Caleb Fletcher insists he has been cheering for his favourite player Kevin Lowry this whole time. “I love his passion for the game,” said Fletcher w…
Canada replaces customary diplomatic gifts with customary shipping container full of household waste
OTTAWA – As per a new directive issued by Global Affairs, foreign dignitaries visiting Canada will be gifted with several shipping containers full of traditional Canadian household waste. T…
No one on Raptors has the heart to tell Drake he’s not on the team
TORONTO – Despite years of knowing he was never an official member of the Toronto Raptors, players haven’t found the courage to tell Drake that he’s not on the team. “It was adorable when h…
“We’re ready for game 5,” says Raptors head coach Drake
MILWAUKEE, WI – Toronto Raptors head coach Drake says his team is 100% ready for a critical game 5 against the Milwaukee Bucks. The coach known for his animated court-side calls and antics …
Other famous political assassinations by milkshakes
With the recent murder of Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage by milkshake, the dangerous dairy beverage has been a popular weapon of choice for political assassins throughout history. Here are some…
