TORONTO – Coming from ahead and proving to the world that they are exactly what everyone says they are, team Canada has confirmed the odds were accurate by attaining a completely expected v…
New global climate report mostly just a bunch of fire emojis
Realizing that previous attempts to communicate the urgency of global climate change to the public have been ineffective, scientists have released a report that is mostly written in fire emojis. …
5 Tatiana Maslanys currently fighting over who gets to keep Emmy
TORONTO – Causing a ruckus from the basement of Temple Street Productions where the myriad clones of Tatiana Maslany are kept for the award-winning series Orphan Black, 5 clones of the actr…
Trump assures nation his lungs ‘filled with the best fluids’
WASHINGTON, D.C – Reacting to the news that Hillary Clinton has been diagnosed with pneumonia after fainting, Republican nominee Donald Trump has taken the opportunity to boast about his pu…
UPDATE: Nation currently demanding 56th encore from Tragically Hip
KINGSTON, ON – Unable to accept that The Tragically Hip will never again play another song, the entire nation of Canada is requesting that the Canadian rock legends come back out on stage t…
TTC closed this weekend between wherever you are and wherever you want to go
TORONTO – Interfering with your plans, the Toronto Transit Commission has closed the subway, streetcar and/or bus line from the place you currently are right now, all the way to wherever it…
Men’s beach volleyball team say mandatory bikini uniform comfortable, supportive
The highly revealing uniform was first met with some resistance, but has now been completely embraced as far superior to the old tank-top and board shorts.…
Bro scientists confirm world ‘pretty gay’
WOODBRIDGE, ON – Highlighting humanity’s continued effect on the global environment, the World Institute for Bro Sciences has confirmed the long disputed theory that the world is, in fact, …
REPORT: Robots still decades away from perfectly mimicking human cruelty
WALTHAM, MA – Researchers at Boston Dynamics say science is still decades away from producing robots that can approximate the cruelty and malice of their human creators. “Even with the prev…
Quebec Human Rights Tribunal fines Mike Ward for making jokes, rules blackface still cool
MONTREAL – The Quebec Human Rights Tribunal has fined Montreal-based comedian Mike Ward $35,000 for repeatedly making fun of a young singer with a disability, Jérémy Gabriel, but concluded …
