HAMILTON, ON – Local residents this morning report driving past an excitingly long lineup and assuming it was for a blowout Black Friday sale, before realizing that it was just a regular queue for a boring old Food Bank.
The dozens-long lineup, visible since 6am this morning, was revealed to be for the Riverdale Community Outreach Food Bank, and not for a department store sale on 55% off 4K flatscreen TVs or even a $25 door crasher waffle maker.
“I saw the lineup stretching around the block, and I was like ‘Oh man, the deals at that store must be off the chain for people to be out this early’,” explained Carlie Jenkins, 42. “But then I just made a note of the food bank location, because I got laid off in September and I’ll probably need to visit during the holidays.”
Word of the mistaken Black Friday lineup spread quickly, with one Hamiltonian arriving in hopes of filming some outrageous scenes of frenzied shoppers.
“I was hoping to get some videos for my TikTok channel of people trampling each other, or fighting over the last 70% off Barbie Camper Van,” reports local content creator Mitch Brakesman. “Instead, I just saw a bunch of the 6.9% unemployed Canadians trying to maintain their dignity as tariffs, corporate greed, and AI hollow out our workforce, which makes for way less appealing Reels.”
Across Canada, retailers report far less chaotic scenes than during previous Black Fridays, with decidedly fewer physical assaults.
“A few extra people showed up when we opened the store this morning,” reports Kenny Biggs, assistant manager at the Walmart in Dartmouth, NS. “But they were just there to fill out job applications. Looks like we set up the Black Friday crowd control hose for nothing.”
At press time Loblaws has drawn crowds with their Black Friday sales, in which groceries are marked down to “the low low price of what groceries cost in 2019!”
