TORONTO – In a shocking press conference today, the Centre for Skills Development admitted that “networking is key” to getting a job, advice they’ve given for years, is just a fancy way of saying that it really helps to have a friend of a friend on the inside.
“I mean, could you theoretically meet somebody at a so-called ‘networking’ event who would eventually give you a job? Sure,” said spokeswoman Alessia Cruz to stunned reporters. “But practically speaking, are you ever going to impress that person enough in five minutes to be prioritized even over their own nephew? Hell, no.”
According to Cruz, this holds regardless of whether you are a recent graduate trying to start your professional career, or only some seventeen-year-old looking for part-time fast-food work. “They’re going to pick the friend of the brother of an employee they already have. Every time. Without an interview or often even a résumé. Even if that worker sucks. After all, better the devil you know, and vetting references is work.”
When asked why the Centre has perpetuated the misleading narrative that you control your own destiny, rather than being as much a victim of your lowly birth as any 18th-century peasant, Cruz pointed out that they also have costs to cut amidst the economic uncertainty.
“We’ve paid a few salaries over the years by pretending résumés mean anything. Now that we’ve told the truth, we can let those employees go.”
“Don’t worry, we checked, and they all have relatives who can pull a few strings. They won’t be out of work long.”
“It’s a relief to know I’m not the crazy one after applying to hundreds of entry-level positions the moment I got my degree, and never hearing back. I don’t have any prior acquaintances in my field, so I’m fucked, but at least I know it’s not personal,” said Miriam Ahmed, who holds a bachelor’s in civic engineering and has been unemployed for 17 months.
“I’m not really surprised. Everyone my age who has a job, when I ask how they got it, tells me it was their girlfriend’s sister or whatever who secured it for them,” agreed fifteen-year-old Edmund Wang, a cashier at a Wendy’s franchise owned by his mother’s cousin.
Cruz offered a sample of the Centre’s new advice going forward “Get your parents to move so you have better neighbours, suck up to your private school classmates, or marry for money. Oh, and frats and sororities are expensive and often problematic, but totally worth it. Trust me, I know.”
When asked how people to whom those options aren’t available should get work, she shrugged. “Wait a few years, and everybody else will be replaced with chatbots. Then everybody will be equally poor, and I’m sure that’s never produced anything but harmonious results.”
