Toronto ON —Gary Packett, 35, has already achieved his weight loss goal of losing 100 pounds, thanks to his revolutionary new diet consisting entirely of raw milk, raw chicken, and a healthy dose of raw salmonella.
Mr. Packett began the diet with tempered expectations having failed at previous weight loss attempts. He was shocked at how effective the diet was. The pounds dropped off at an alarming, yet inspiring rate.
“I’ve tried keto, intermittent fasting, Ozempic, but nothing was giving me the quick results,” Packett said, sitting on the toilet of his shared hospital bathroom sweating with a bucket in his lap. “I went onto TikTok and found out about ancestral eating and it just clicked! I’m almost at the end of my life in caveman years, so why not enjoy the pure hunter-gatherer diet the first humans consumed? It’s clear that a diet heavy in salmonella kept our ancestors thin, with an uber-efficient gastrointestinal tract.”
Dr. Elaine Weller, an infectious disease expert at the Canadian Food Inspection Agency, is surprised more Canadians haven’t attempted Mr. Packett’s weight loss hack. “What can I say? Joe Rogan was right! This is a hyper-efficient weight loss method due to what we refer to as ‘catastrophic internal distress.’ The lack of nutrients from this restrictive diet leads to rapid weight loss and an inability to regain it since the microbes of the entire digestive tract are essentially obliterated.”
Despite a prognosis that includes “weeks of IV fluids and a lifetime of antibiotics” Packet remains upbeat about his results. “Sure, I can’t keep down water, and I think my organs are actively evacuating my body, but look at these abs,” he said, lifting his hospital gown to reveal a deeply concerning combination of gaunt definition and paleness that makes him almost translucent. “Totally worth it.”
As for his next goal, Packet is considering biohacking his longevity —possibly through a diet of collagen from the bones of his ancestors and drinking unfiltered water downstream from a local landfill.
