OTTAWA – With the Canadian election period officially begun, Facebook has announced plans to broadcast the upcoming online policy debate between Kaylee, a former friend from middle school, and Don, the uncle of your co-worker, Rick.
“These two heavyweights have gone at it many times in the past, often with explosive results,” said political analyst Pamela Mallick. “Just this year Kaylee accused Don of having a ‘toxic aura’ after you posted that you were feeling sick. Then, of course, everybody remembers the ‘08 contest where Don insisted it was okay to use the N-word now that there was a black president.”
Despite neither participant having ever held office or even volunteered for a political party, the debate is expected to cover a wide range of policy topics including why the long-gun registry will lead to a terrorist insurgency, how Canadians are being cheated out of cancer-curing homeopathy by our healthcare system, and why scientists deserve to be muzzled after they faked the moon landing.
“Who knew Don cared so much about the long-gun registry?” said Mallick. “He didn’t mention that at Rick’s birthday party. Is it weird that he added you right after that?”
The 36 hour debate is expected to begin next Monday between 6pm and 8pm, after you post a non-political status update about the price of gas. The event will use classic online debate rules, meaning that the loser will be whoever stops posting first.
“I never pick my candidate until after I hear Don and Kaylee’s opinion,” said undecided voter Ted Mitchells. “Otherwise how will I know which candidate is the commie shitbird and which is the next Hitler?”
This is only the latest in a series of high-profile social media debates. In February, religious people everywhere were riveted by a Twitter argument between a 15-year old atheist and a bot that only posts Bible verses, and just two weeks ago NDP and Liberal strategists debated Bill C-51 by Instagramming increasingly aggressive brunches at each other.
